Sometimes I'm certain - then again I'm not

To celebrate the coming of Autumn I present one of my periodical lists of things I am learning at the moment. The more eagle eyed among you may notice that some of these things are slightly contradictory - in other words they are complete opposites but I'm just that way out at the moment. Take it or leave it..

1. Sometimes Christians really get on my nerves. Almost to the point where a punch in the face may be necessary. People who really should know better are judgemental about people they really should be loving and they call it being righteous or separated unto God or something. If Jesus had decided to stay separate unto God what sort of a mess would we be in.
2. Sometimes Christians are really nice and kind.
3. Sometimes I am too judgemental about Christians.
4. Punches in the face aren't ladylike either being given or received.
5. All teenage boys make a sort of strange exploding noise when Nigella Lawson faces the camera and takes her jacket off to start cooking.
6. I am the only person in the room watching Nigella for the cooking.
7. Eldest son's first university offer has come through and I am very,very pleased and proud
8. Eldest son's first university offer has come through and I am devasted that he will be leaving before we know it.
9. Despite my tutting and moaning, Argos, Boots, Tescos and all the rest of them will continue to start Christmas whenever they flaming well like.
10. It doesn't mean I have to be happy with it.

11. Its a bit of a distant memory but I'm pretty certain that daughter's French is already better than mine was when I was messing up my A level horribly. That has to be a good sign (for her anyway)
12. Barbara Pym books make me very happy as do books on knitting.
13. That last point makes me seem about a hundred and three and I don't care.
14. Saturday evening with some chums, a chicken supper and a bottle of wine is one of the best restorative cures I know.
15. Along with lunch with the chap. Long live bacon sarnies with a coffee and a walk round Waterstones.
16. I am a very cheap date.

Random Thoughts on Loss

Those who know me know why there has been a blogging gap. Last week I lost my beloved brother to pneumonia. I have struggled with the idea of writing about this as
a) T'aint really anyone else's business and
b) You may well not be that bothered anyway.
But I would be dishonest to ignore it as it occupies most of my waking thought (and quite a lot of what should be my sleeping thought) at the moment and although I cannot promise any really coherent train of thought, this has been where my brain has been at.

There are things in life that you just don't see coming. You can waste a lifetime's worth of energy worrying about what may or may not happen and than one sunny Saturday afternoon you get an unexpected phone call and everything changes. You can almost physically feel the land crumbling beneath your feet. My brother was ten years younger than me, successful, happy, popular with, as they say, it all in front of him. Within three weeks he was gone.

It's the little things that make you the saddest. His sunglasses on the dashboard of the car, canceling the hotel that had been booked for his Christmas visit, hearing that his dog still runs into the kitchen looking for him.

Try as you might to find a reason, sometimes you just can't. God doesn't let you know. Indeed sometimes God is a distant figure in this. People try and invent reasons to make you or them feel better. Sympathetic, quizzical looks asking about his lifestyle but that approach never washed with me. There are better people in the world than him but there are worse. This doesn't give anyone a right to judge.

CS Lewis talks about the absence of God in your grief
But go to Him when your need is desperate, when all other help is vain, and what do you find? A door slammed in your face, and a sound of bolting and double bolting on the inside. After that, silence. You may as well turn away.

Its tough but true I think. Almost as if a part of your grief has to be gone through alone. Eventually though (and I admit, I am only at the beginning of this) you move on a little to a place of accepting that you may never understand it.

When I lay these questions before God I get no answer. But a rather special sort of "No answer." It is not the locked door. It is more like a silent, certainly not uncompassionate, gaze. As though He shook His head not in refusal but waiving the question. Like, "Peace, child; you don't understand."

And I think you come to accept that you don't get over it. You learn to cary on moving forward in sorrow but also in faith, accepting that your soul will always be a little more ragged at the edge than it was before.

Limits

When I was at primary school, every week we were visited by a vicar. He was a decent enough bloke although he often seemed to be in the middle of some kind of spiritual crisis which he felt  compelled to share with us. It may well have helped him to share but I do remember that he often left a class full of ten year olds feeling slightly bemused and a little depressed. Well, come on. At that age you want to be counting the animals as they go into the ark, not wondering why God allows pain and suffering.
Anyway, one thing he said did leave an impression on me. He asked what everyone who wasn't a Christian had that Christians didn't have. (keep up) and the answer was "Limits". See what he did there?  I have to admit, that the idea that there are no limits for me as a Christian is an attractive one and there are loads of scriptures that back this up. However, I do think we have to be careful not to set ourselves up as a super duper achievement machine sort of visualising ourselves moving onwards and upwards in life while singing "Ain't no mountain high enough" and being generally impressed with ourselves. Obviously our power to achieve anything comes from God and we need to get our priorities right.
The thing is though, I'm beginning to wonder if there are limits sometimes. Are there times to stop and accept that we need to slow down. Do we have to accept that we can reach a point where we have quite simply had enough. Someone said to me recently that sometimes people don't think before they speak to me because I am such a good coper (is that a word? I mean good at coping) that they always felt I could take anything that was thrown at me. Er No.
Been thinking about Elijah's hissy fit. After having been party to a massive miracle, which changed the direction of a whole country, it only took one woman waving a bony fist at him to make him collapse in a heap. Why was that do you think? Maybe he had reached his limit. It looks to me as if God thought so. God's response was more or less to tell him to get some food and some rest and they would talk properly later.
Maybe there comes a time in life when we have to say enough. Limit reached. I have to stop for a while now. The photo at the top shows that when my Morecambe needs a rest he takes one and don't interrupt if you know whats good for you. I am aware that at 10am in the middle of a staff meeting you can't always get your head down on the desk but as soon as its practical maybe I need to notice my limits and take some action. As my mother would say - no one else is going to do it for you!

WHAT! Boots have got their three for two Christmas gifts out. You have absolutely, completely, totally got to be kidding me!! September 15th! Has the world gone mad? ARRRGH.

God of the Gaps

Come on. Admit it. I can't be the only Christian who is intimidated by all the scientists with letters after their name shouting about how there is no God and they an jolly well prove it because the sum square of the genome string theory proves blah blah blah....
As I think I have said before. Why so aggressive? You believe what you believe and I'll believe what I believe and then when I'm proved right you'll have to apologise. Seems reasonable enough to me. But they all seem so sure and so certain and although I know that faith isn't provable by facts I also know I don't have the brains to win an intellectual argument.
Anyway found a letter in the Times on Saturday. Try not to put dosh into Murdoch coffers but cannot give up Caitlin Moran - sorry can't, so have to buy The Times on Saturdays. Back to letters. Found letter by Dr DR Alexander, who has lots and lots of qualifications and is Director of Faraday Institute at St Edmund's College Cambridge no less. The gist of his letter says that Dawkins etc. are talking about the "God of the Gaps". As I understand it, atheists say that when new scientific discoveries about creation come to light, that this means that God is diminished. BUT Alexander says that this is not our God because our God is bigger than all the gaps in science and all the gaps only exist under him. So science explains how the earth exists but theology explains its meaning.
Basically - science's God is too small. Blah-so rubbish at explaining this but hope you get it. It helped me.

Anyway, on a more mundane note. Younger members of Hargreaves Dynasty are now back at school. Only to find that looming cuts mean that students' bus subsidy has been withdrawn . Apart from the fact that it is now costing us nearly £100 per month to get sprogs to school on the bus (Trying to be green and use sustainable transport is costing us a fortune!) I don't think the Tories realise how difficult it has been to keep eldest from joining the Communist party and this isn't helping.

Just letting you know that my friend hit 50 this month and texted us to say that she was on her way up Snowden with her husband to celebrate. I cannot for the life of me think why she would want to do something like that but there you go. Congratulations anyway chum.

You know Summer is ending when...

So, head of house and my good self are back at work. Offspring are not back at school yet but all the telltale signs are there signalling the end of this year's summer break.
You know summer is ending when...
1. The kids are back from summer camp and the back room has that funny "damp clothes, damp sleeping bags and sopping wet trainers" smell, as you try to work your way through the suitcases that they have kindly returned to you. Still, can't all be bad news as questions such as "Was the weather awful?" are met with a puzzled look as if the weather was totally inconsequential.
2. Its getting warmer. Most people are back from their holidays. People who spent the last fortnight holidaying in Devon and Cornwall in what might optimistically be called "changeable" weather have now returned home, vowing to save up to go abroad next year. What they will never know is that as soon as they leave, the sun comes out. What's that about?

3. The uniform rush is on. All good intentions to buy uniform at the beginning of the holidays evaporated in the glow of summer. Now we must join the hoards of people buying shirts in two packs of three (six shirts - why not five? Rip off perchance?) At least mine are too old for the seventh circle of hell that is queuing to have their feet measured in the shoe shop.

4. The house if full of resolutions about making lunch instead of buying it, walking instead of using the car everywhere, keeping up to date with homework, not agreeing to play bass at every single church meeting. Usual rubbish.

5. My mum is finalising arrangements for coming to stay at Christmas.

Like I said. All certain signs that summer is drawing to a close. We were out walking this week and other half took a photo of this cloud. Made me think about the cloud that God sent to tell Elijah that the drought was about to end. Not much of a sign when you are looking for a flood I suppose but it was a sign nonetheless. And a flood was indeed on the way. Perhaps its like life. Not all signs are impressive but they are still signs. And if God has sent you a sign that help is on the way then it just might well be.

Its nice to go travelling

Just back at work after two weeks leave. Is there something that happens in the space time continuum that makes this fortnight go ten times quicker than the other 50? There may be something about it in Revelation. I might look it up and get back to you. Possibly.

Anyway, packed hound off to kennels, teenagers into back of car with Ipods (not a peep from them until they spot a motorway service station with MacDonalds) and off we trundled to visit the north - the land of our birth.

Having once again imposed ourselves on some old friends for the week, we then set about "doing the visiting". This is a delicate operation, only to be undertaken with extreme care. The balance has to be completely right, splitting time between those you want to see and those you are expected to see. There is then a sub division in each of these categories of who we want to see and who the children want to see. (People can often be moved from one category to another as far as the children are concerned if there is any chance that they will be given money) Even with the best will in the world and detailed planning on a napkin in afore mentioned fast food restaurant we still end up not getting round to everyone.

However, we managed a visit to our old church this time. Didn't think we would know many people but were really touched by the warmth of the welcome. So many people remembered us, which was lovely. And we remembered - well nearly everyone who remembered us so that was nice. Our presence was announced from the front stage which, to be honest is always an awkward moment as you don't know whether to smile shyly, or wave a bit or stand up and blow kisses. In the end you sort of do a bit of all three which makes it look as if you are standing up to shake off a bad attack of cramp so not a good look.

The best part is seeing people and then see their faces light up as the remember and recognise you. Made me wonder if it was like Heaven. Will we be wandering around looking at faces and suddenly recognising someone we love. And will our faces light up with the joy of spending time together again? How cool would that be?

Anyway back in Devon now (to warmer, dryer weather) and glad to be home. However, couple of things to deal with.

Have managed to pick fight with man who installed phones at work. They aren't working properly and haven't done so since installed and when I complained he said I was attacking his staff with venom! Me? Superwimp? Even the people in the office with me said they thought I was too soft. Have to work out how to deal with this now. No good going off in sulk like I usually do. That will never get the phones fixed. (Please do not send in advice about other cheeks, etc. Unfortunately I am too mad and immature to take it at the moment)

Also, am part of communications team at church producing material for website supporting series on Seven Deadly Sins. In weak moment agreed to do "lust"! What was I thinking of? Where will I get info for this? Can you imagine what would come up if I Googled it?

Onward Christian Soldiers

Here at Hargreaves Towers, many things too numerous to mention, clamour for attention in the day to day war of attrition we like to call "family". When our children were young, they thought as we did - because we told them to and what we liked - they liked because we were their heroes. Those times have long passed and now, when being allowed to go out with them in public is a bonus (unless, of course, we are on our way to the cash machine) things are very different. One ongoing bone of contention is church worship. Last Sunday we had what is now termed an "animated discussion" about son's failure to sing to a certain hymn. His reply - that he couldn't see the point of repeating "16th century irrelevant phrases " made me think a bit about Christian music.
I am a hymn fan. My wedding was full of 'em. That was in the days before weddings were full of Disney songs and Witney Houston. (Least favourite wedding opening. Bride entering to "Can you feel the love tonight?" from the Lion King. Bit of an awkward moment.) Yep,Fanny Crosby, HF Lyte and Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Chas Wesley. I love it. But. I'm kind of thinking that they work best in their context. I don't mean we shouldn't sing them. Just that they should be sung how they were written. I think Amazing Grace works better without a drum'n'bass track. And maybe "When I Survey" can live without a sixties style melody to "appeal to the young people".

In the same way songs written by Tim Hughes or Matt Redman with a loud guitar riff needs to retain that. I'm never sure about singing these songs sort of toned down for an older audience. You know the kind of thing "Oh happy day! (cue drum cymbals - chink a chink,chink a chink) Happy Day (chink a chink) You washed my sins away! (ker chink!) Even someone like me who hasn't jumped up vertically with both feet off the ground since Steve Coppell was scoring from outside the penalty box in 1976 appreciates that these songs work best played so that people can jump, clap, wave and all that jazz. Thinking that maybe we should mix and match a bit. Sing each others stuff generously as it was meant to be sung and put a bit of effort in. Its not all about you you know!

Random Thoughts

Back at work this week so unable to settle long enough to bless you with deep thoughts and insights so try and get by without the bedrock of my wisdom but think on these things.

1. Richard Dawkins is arranging to arrest the Pope. Leaving aside the deep moral and spiritual issues I feel Mr Dawkins will do better when he gets over his shyness and pushes himself forward more. Come on Mr Dawkins!

2. Hero of the week. The mother of a child with Downs Syndrome who stood up to Frankie Boyle. Find out more here. I understand that a comic who bases his act in being edgier than the edgiest edgy thing will do stuff that makes you go ouch. However, in the debate about where the line is drawn - surely its a long way in front of kicking helpless children with a disability who can't fight back. This just won't do. In the olden days when I was a child we had a word for kids like Mr Boyle (no not that word - its a Christian based column and that's not edifying) the word was bully. And although everyone was nice to the bully's face - nobody really liked him. Mr Boyle may not care but that doesn't make a difference. Don't do it.

3. North/South Divide. There are lots of things the South does at least as well as the North. The weather helps of course etc. etc. but there are areas where they should never cross into each others areas of expertise and at the top of the page resplendent all its glory, is an example of one. The Steak Pudding. This may be called one but it isn't one, if you know what I mean. Don't do it. Leave it. Don't try. Don't dabble. Don't pretend. No. No. No.........................................................................No! Er No.

Turning over a new leaf

I know its been a long time but - well, I started a new job, significant other also started new job, have had heavy duty revision responsibilities with oldest fruit of womb, I've become a great auntie and have had Wayne Rooney's ankle to worry about. So, no blog. Give me a break. At least I've taken the trouble to re-jig it. So will try harder.

Anyway, maybe, possibly, perhaps Spring has sprung (a bit) so time to get a line of washing out! If Cheryl Cole knew about the life I live ......

Saw an article this week about whats wrong with Christianity in the modern world. One of the suggestions to improve our profile was a high value conversion like Cheryl or the Beckhams or (close your eyes and imagine) Katie Price. Thing is, my old dad always says (actually might not be my dad but someone very much like him) that Christianity struggles when it gets popular. We apparently operate best when we are out of step with the majority and are not to be trusted with too much power. (Hmmm. Certain areas of Catholic Church anyone?) I spend half my life feeling out of step with...well virtually everything really. It is a great comfort to me therefore to know that this is because of my extraordinary level of spirituality and not because of early onset dementia. Here endeth today's lesson.

PS I've added another blog to the list on the side. Chez Larsson is basically lots of pages about a Swedish woman cleaning out her cupboards but I love it. Which probably says a lot about my very high boredom threshold or equally high nosiness levels.

Cold isn't It?

Still shivering and feeling on the verge of a cold that never quite happens. Have amused myself with the tele and t'Internet. Herewith is some of the stuff - Behold!



Read this if you dare. Its strong stuff and I sobbed like a baby afterwards. But maybe its something we all need to read. Link here to a strong account of child neglect and if you feel the need to come back and sign up to the NSPCC don't fight it!! Just click on the donate by the logo below to take you through to the NSPCC site

Donate

Look its not important (especially if you read the link above) but I love Beaker. Don't we all? And this makes me happy. Click here to feel Beaker love...




My thing with make up is that I like it but have no idea about it and my make up bag is packed to the drawstrings with expensive mistakes. So I do love E.L.F (eyes lips and face). The stuff is nice and a nice price. These nail varnishes are £1.50 at the moment. Last summer I took my daughter and four friends on a weekend away and on a rainy afternoon in a caravan I offered sanity saving manicures without having to use £11.00 bottles of varnish on the little darlings.

Channel 4s - The Bible A History has been very annoying so far I think. Most Christianity stuff on TV these days is so keen to be "right on" - its like there is nothing challenging to say. Anyone who has been a Christian for more than twenty minutes can usually write this stuff holding the pen in their teeth and whistling "Its the same old song" at the same time. However tonight's episode, while I don't agree with lots of it, is v v interesting for a change. Faith is a feminist issue???

This is late. I am sorry. I have been soooo busy but in case you care - my thoughts on the festive season and the time following it...

The List
Things I am discovering.......
1.Having a son who is doing A levels has improved my knowledge of Stalin, annotation of texts, philosopy and the way an album sleeve is constructed immeasurably.
2.None of the above are of any use to me in any way.
3.Test Match Special can almost make an afternoon of ironing bearable
4.It is snow. It is not the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse (South Coast of England - Do you hear me?)
5.It is not cool to sniffle with pride as your son plays bass for the first time in the worship band.
6.It would apparently not have been cool either for the whole family to turn up for the meeting in "We love the Bass Player" matching T shirts. Only trying to encourage...
7.Cooking for seven at Christmas Dinner is much more than twice as hard than cooking for four. How can that be? Still great time had by all - me included.
8."Carols with Beer" is an interesting concept for a party and was more enjoyable than I expected. Interesting to see people not usually in church having their singing pipes loosened by a Party Seven.
9.It is essential to have a daughter who understands Doctor Who with you when you are trying to fathom out the final episode. (Still cried and DT isn't even my favourite doctor)
10.Morecambe has few self esteem issues when it comes to making his feelings known about being asked to leave the setee.
Have a go at this Dog Whisperer!