Tears

Thou tellest my wanderings: put thou my tears into thy bottle. Are they not in thy book?
When I cry unto thee, then shall my enemies turn back: this I know; for God is for me.
Psalm 56 v 8,9

I am, as you may have realised, a big fan of The Message as a version of the Bible. For me, it often reflects the the things I am thinking and touches me in my day to day life.
There are times though, when only the King James will do. There is a poetry and an extra dimension that touches my soul. These verses, I think, have never been bettered. I was reminded of them this week when Charles Spurgeon's devotional dropped into my inbox. I don't think Christians are supposed to believe in coincidences but sometimes I think that we let God's prompting pass us by and call it coincidence. I needed to be reminded of this and maybe you did too.

Put thou my tears into thy bottle

The Bible is a big book. It spans heaven and earth.It covers generations and nations. It speaks to kings and their armies and yet this is the most extraordinarily intimate sentence. It suggests that each individual tear I shed is carefully and lovingly collected. It is placed into a bottle and marked in a ledger. It is noted and remembered. It is not ignored or missed and I am not judged for my weakness or lack of faith.

When I cry unto thee, then shall my enemies turn back

More than this, these tears are prayers. They may never be written in a prayer book or read out in church  but prayers they are and they are heard and God takes them and keeps them. All my tears.

The tears of solitude and loneliness when you wonder why things are like this and people act this way.

The tears of frustration at your own shortcomings and when you wonder if you will ever be able to get any of it right.

The tears of fear for your family and your future. When you hurt because your children hurt and there is nothing that you can do.

The tears of bereavement and loss. Not just for people, but for a life that you expected to have.

The tears that are shed when you know that you have been treated badly and feel that there is no-one to turn to.

Tears shed through sheer physical exhaustion when you are giving all you can and it doesn't seem to be enough.

The tears you shed when you wonder if he is really there at all and if he is, why is life like this?

Not one is missed. Not one tear. Those times when our eyes brim with tears but we fight them back and no-one notices. God notices. If you don't cry easily but feel inside as if you are crying out loud. God hears it as if it were audible to all.

Nothing is wasted. Nothing is missed. Your tears are prayers. God has heard.

Half Term Havoc

It's half term. That's lovely isn't it? I know things are easier for us now that we only have a sixteen year old to think about so we don't have to organise childcare or anything so I don't want to complain BUT because it's half term

•  It is apparently time to bake so I now have no icing sugar or jam. Apparently it took over an hour to clean up and the dogs keep licking the kitchen floor so who knows what went on there? The cakes are lovely though.
• My laptop screensaver has "accidentally" been changed to a baby sloth asleep on a teddy bear. 
• We are apparently expected to provide money for gossipy lunches. I do not have time for lunch.
• I am missing several DVDs. It will not take Sherlock Cumberbatch to trace them to FOW 2s bedroom.

Thank you God for my astonishing daughter...

Dog Walking and Growing as a Person

These are our dogs having a walk on the park. I'm sorry for the unsavoury angle which sort of makes them look like a canine version of the publicity shy Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow. We only had time to get a couple of photos of the two of them before they started getting a bit lairy. (The dogs that is - not the Paltrow/Martin combo) and in all the others they were sniffing each others bottoms. (Same disclaimer re dogs rather than Paltrow/Martin)

Anyway, getting off the subject here. So these are our dogs and they are practically perfect. Will not stop here to define perfect, as our neighbour who still has the nip marks on her leg, may well challenge our definition and we will get waylaid again.  Anyway, I am the first to admit that they are sometimes a bit snappish. A bit. Sometimes. When provoked. Not proper biting, you understand, just growly and a bit barky and nippy. A bit. Very rarely.

So you may not realise this but there exists a sort of dog walkers etiquette. When you are in the park, walking your dogs and listening to the birdies and wondering how important it is that you cannot find that pooh that Lucy has dropped in the middle of all those leaves, there is a code. That code says that if you have a dog on a lead, rather than running around loose, there is a reason for that. Often the dog is a bit barky or nervous  or runs like someone has fired them out of a cannon when they are let loose. There are lots of reasons. However, if you see someone with dogs on leads and they take steps to avoid meeting you with your dog, the thing to do is respect that and give them some space. There is no point following her and getting her dogs all worked up. There is very little to be gained by insisting on stalking her across the park with your spookily obedient German Shepherd. It is also not helpful to let your huge German Shepherd suddenly appear in the bushes so that someone walking two Jack Russells, suddenly finds herself desperately trying to get said Jacks on a short lead as they compete to get at mountain sized dog and give him a piece of their minds. It is also not cricket, when woman who is wrestling with mad Jacks tries to apologise to give her a pained smile, tut and walk on, successfully impersonating the "Smug Person of the Year" award winner.

This is why women who are wrestling with Jacks that you have upset, seemingly on purpose, feel the need to say, in what was probably a much too loud voice.

"What's it like to be Queen of the World and know everything?"

I don't suppose she heard anything. She didn't turn round. HOH says that's maybe because she was crying. I doubt it. 

Life Lessons from Dog Walking.

1. Conflict has to be handled sometimes. I cannot hide behind privets all the time.
2. Pulling your tongue out when someone isn't looking is not handling conflict.
3. Even when you apologise, some people will still be miserable crows. That doesn't mean that you shouldn't say sorry.
4. Sometimes you should say sorry, when you are not in the wrong. Often it calms things down. sometimes it doesn't. (See point 3) 
5. You can't be everyone's friend.
6. To be honest, you don't want to be everyone's friend do you?
7. In the end you have to try to be nice to everyone while accepting that it won't always work. then your work here is done. Like it says in Romans "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone."

I am calm. I am serene. I am going to walk the dogs 15 minutes earlier to try and avoid running into German Shepherd Lady. I am, as usual, not very proud of myself.

Quite Rude

Dear Religion
This week I safely dropped a man from space while you shot a child in the head for wanting to go to school.
Yours, Science.

This is a tweet sent by Ricky Gervais this week which has been debated around a few Christian blogs. The consensus of opinion abut the tweet seems to be the following.

• This is a bit strange because Malala (the young girl who was shot) See here if you have been living in a cave. is a devout girl who wanted to learn, rather than a secular atheist.
• Also Felix Baumgartner, who fell from space (check here cave dwellers) brought back a sense of awe rather than a sense of "pah - it was just science".
• Mr Gervais is a celebrity who understands the power of a sharp phrase and Twitter gives him the opportunity to use one without regress. (Apparently he ruthlessly blocks anyone who disagrees with him. His privilege - dunno have never followed him.)
• Sometimes religion brings all these things onto itself.

These are all admirable and well reasoned thoughts and they do the Christian Community credit to have responded so thoughtfully and with such restraint. I tend to stay out of these debates because my initial reaction was "Smug G*t" and that is neither mature or considered. It may well be factually correct. Who can say? 
I also stay out because I am so far out of my depth. I do not have the mental capacity to spar with these people. Richard Dawkins is undoubtedly very brainy and I find him so intimidating I rarely watch him. He also seems to be so full of spleen that I find he leaves me a bit depressed about the state of the world and how much hate a person can carry. Maybe that's just me.

I'm not very good in debates on religion. I have never considered myself religious. In my most Utopian moments, I consider myself part of a Christian community known as followers of "The Way" I am enthusiastic about Jesus and what he has done for me and am therefore caught up in living that life with all its challenges to be self sacrificing and thoughtful and generous. This is indeed so challenging that it takes up all my time and energy, leaving me little room to be self absorbed and an all round nasty piece of work. This is how I try to live my life. Often, this is little more than a pipe dream but, in the words of the great Steve Coppell - I don't want to make it a target but it is something to aim for. 

I am not divorced from debate or from culture but I find I need God's wisdom to support my family and friends and to stop me spending my days deliberately trapping my head in the door. It's not that I don't want to be thoughtful about the higher things in life. I read and discuss and think. I just genuinely can't be bothered with all the points scoring. 

I suspect that on a Friday night in Islington, there are parties being held where people in crumpled linen jackets drink a lot of Chablis while scoffing humus and clam linguine  and have a really good laugh at people like me and my blind faith in my imaginary friend. I just wish I gave a monkey's. 

Galatians 5 V 25-26. Since this is the kind of life we have chosen, the life of the Spirit, let us make sure that we do not just hold it as an idea in our heads or a sentiment in our hearts, but work out its implications in every detail of our lives. That means we do not compare ourselves with each other as if one of us were better and another worse. We have far more interesting things to do with our lives.

Before I go.......

Text from York University

"Is £33.00 a lot for an electricity bill?"

Reply

"For how long - a quarter, a month, a minute?"

York University

"Oh yes. Good point. Will check"

Saturday Stuff

I have spent a pleasant day on my own. Some of it was spent creating a thing of beauty. Stand back and admire the peg bag people. There is plenty to see here. And it cost me nowt. Just an old hanger and some material from my stash. Well I say stash. I mean one of the two spare pieces of material that I have accumulated. Mostly, I am just pleased that we have managed to replace the old cushion cover that we used to keep pegs in. Do you think it is like this in the Beckhams'?
I just wish I could learn to be a bit more tidy when I worked so that I didn't double the time it took to do everything.

We creative types just have to go with the flow and worry about the consequences later.

Then FOW1 remembered that only last week he had parents and phoned to catch up which was nice. Pizzas  are being eaten, ciders are being drunk, the church surf is booked and there has been a "discussion" in his student house about who keeps stealing the cheese. Seems all is well.

Then my mum phoned. She has organised her part in our Christmas and now it is time for me to do my part.

Mum.   I've spoken to Liam. He is bringing me down on the 21st. Did you find out about my train back?
Me       Yep. There is one a week later.
Mum    Have you booked it?
Me       It's a bit early
Mum    It might fill up.
Me       It won't
Mum    It might.
Me       I'll keep an eye on it.
Mum    OK.

Mum    Isn't it best to book now?
Me       I don't have my card by the phone.
Mum    OK

Mum    Can't you get the card?
Me       What? now?
Mum    If you want to.
Me       Do you want me to?
Mum    No. It doesn't matter. You'll keep an eye on it.

Mum    Wouldn't hurt, would it? To book now.
Me       I'll get my card.
Mum    Well, if you think it's best.

Mum    What's that tapping noise. Are you on the Internet?
Me       Yep.
Mum    Quite rude, while we're talking.
Me       I'M BOOKING YOUR TICKET!
Mum    I'm not sure it's not too early

Cue strangling noises from my end of the phone. As the kids say - there is only one Nana Bez.

Snakes in the camp.

Etsy

It may well be just me but have you ever uttered the phrase "Why does it have to be so complicated Lord? Why can't you just deal with it and take the problem away?" We have uttered this prayer plenty of times in Hargreaves Towers but even more than usual as FOW1 has returned to University and is dealing with a hassle that is not of his making which, to my highly expert eye, God could be dealing with quite easily.
While this is going on, I am learning about the Children of Israel. I am becoming quite taken with the Children of Israel. They remind me of me. They are slow to learn, quick to whinge, lack vision, take a long time to get to where they need to be and try God's patience on an almost minute by minute basis. I like them.

I'm reading the passage in Numbers 21 about the snake of fiery copper. I am with Indiana Jones on snakes. I am very suspicious about creatures who are sometimes shaped like the last thing they ate.  Back to Numbers. Israel are travelling and on a detour. They become irritable and begin to complain to God. This behaviour fits in with their normal pattern but this time for what are probably entirely understandable reasons, God reacts.

"God sent poisonous snakes among the people; they bit them and many in Israel died."

He's not messing about here is he? Maybe something to consider next time I am thinking of  forgetting to count my blessings?

Anyway..showing commendable if tardy wisdom, the Children of Israel apologise to God and ask Moses to pray for them to take the snakes away. And Moses prays, God listens, the snakes return to the places where snakes live and everyone lives happily until the children of Israel find something else to complain about (approximately twenty minutes later usually)

But no actually. God doesn't take the snakes away. They are to continue living in the camp. Jumping out when you least expect them and generally annoying people by biting them until they die. What God does supply is an antidote. A way out.

"Make a snake and put it on a flagpole: Whoever is bitten and looks at it will live."

The snakes are not leaving the building.

And you just know don't you? Well I think I do. He doesn't always take it away. Not so that your problems never existed. Sometimes, they stay with you and again and again you have to look to God to deal with things as they are occurring. I suppose as well that, as the Israelites learned to live with the snakes, it became a habit. Every time someone got a nasty surprise behind the woodshed they would automatically look at the copper snake as a matter of course.  Hopefully, they also remembered the God who sent this miracle.

I'm thinking that this is something I need to building into me, and my life. God is not my magic fairy. He has told me what to do to live my life with any degree of contentment and achievement - I keep looking at him for help and healing. And what will be supplied will be sufficient for my needs at that time. God is willing and able to do things that I am not even able to visualise. But somehow, there is a balance. None of this means that all problems will be taken away. Because as we know life is hard. Indeed as Jesus never actually said
"I beg your pardon. I never promised you a Rose Garden."
Apologies to Lynn Anderson and Jesus. Not necessarily in that order.

Me v the young people

Wikipedia

So you l know I love the young people, almost without exception. I support them when they want to worship God very loudly in church and I have no time for old ladies who come to a service labelled as livelier then sit with their hands on their ears.

However, I think we may have parted company on this one. So we are singing this in church at the moment.

"I've made a place for you here so c'mon, c'mon...
All things are possible here so c'mon, c'mon"

I know that I am old but I can't tell you how disappointed I will be if I get to heaven and God speaks like an extra from Scooby Doo. Just saying.

A Sort of Catch up Week

You know. You think your family love you and then you see a photo like this and you wonder how anyone who loved you could let you go out looking like that! This is me in the garden enjoying the dregs of summer with a very relaxed Morecambe. I haven't really been out in the glasses. They were £2 from Primark and we call them my Harry Potters. This week has been funny. I really can't think of anything to tell you.....really nothing to share....except

Now I think about it, I haven't exactly been tied to the kitchen sink. We went to the theatre to see "The Ladykillers". I remember the film with Alec Guinness and it frightened the life out of me - all very sinister. This was played much more for laughs except when it all goes pear shaped. It was done really well (I have never seen anyone stabbed to death with a bit of banister before) and the set was superb. Best set I have seen since the helicopter came on in Miss Saigon  (That is the only bit I remember about Miss Saigon - the rest seemed to drone on a bit) I did have the chance to see Blood Brothers with Marti Pellow but to be honest, I would rather poke my own eyes out with a spoon. Nothing against Mr Pellow who I am sure is jolly nice but I hate "Star Vehicles" in musicals. I like to watch something without all the mumbling about "Was she in Eastenders?" and giggling when the "Star" comes on.

Oh and...

We had a Vintage Fair in Plymouth. Proper vintage fair mind you and not one of these events where you wander round looking at stalls with dodgy looking mattresses and old bits of plastic piping. This was all lovely and 1940s/1950s based with everyone all dressed accordingly and a live band playing stuff like "In The Mood". I have never seen so many vintage tea-cups in my life.

Oh and...

Also, had a small moment when I was certain that dementia was setting in. Sat at Church Communications Team meeting and a chap refers to some work that has been done regarding advertising for volunteers and putting together some  ideas and lists etc. and I am nodding my head and grinning at no-one in particular and thinking "Well done whoever that was" and then when I look - everyone is looking at me and smiling and waiting for me to explain what I did. It was me! I had done the lists! I honestly couldn't remember doing it for what seemed like an age but was probably a few seconds. Then it all clicked back. In my defence we haven't had a meeting all summer and I have had a lot on my plate but was slightly concerned that it took me more than a few seconds to work out what the jiminy they were all on about. Think I got away with it.

Oh and....

BEWARE-SPOILER ALERT
Caught up with Parade's End. I have loved this so much. So beautifully written. Each line and each performance seemed so rich. Sir Benedict of Cumberbatch did really well making a strange character so sympathetic as did Rebecca Hall. I think she did almost too well because I was very nearly rooting for her at the end. (Only nearly) I loved the end. I loved how low key and gentle and well just - happy it was. One of my TV highlights this year. Also Doctor Who, end of the series (and of certain people - never did really love her that much but really liked him) also very good. The Weeping Angels are a genius creation.

Oh and...

Have been packing and stuff all week for FOW1's return to university. We have loved having him back but it is time to go and he is ready as all his friends have gone. I never quite understand how people cope with this kind of thing who don't have access to prayer. I pester the living daylights out of God at times like this and am very grateful that I can.

Oh and just wanted to leave you with this just because it it  - well just very, very good. I made a decision to try and use Bible verses from the Message as much as possible on the blog because it is very accessible but I have really loved it and am getting so much from it myself. Like this from Philippians 1...

"So this is my prayer: that your love will flourish and that you will not only love much but well. Learn to love appropriately. You need to use your head and test your feelings So that your love is sincere and intelligent  not sentimental gush. Live a lover's life, circumspect and exemplary  A life Jesus will be proud of: bountiful in fruits from the soul, making Jesus attractive to all, getting everyone involved in the glory and praise of God."

Sometimes people make out that Christians are nice but dim. That our God commands us to follow blindly and not be thoughtful and intelligent. Read this and you will see that sometimes people are wrong.

And this one...we don't do no more

Paraphrasing slightly (as usual) from Father of the Bride. There are hymns which I grew up with that used to be part of the national, Christian consciousnesses. For instance I used to love "When a Knight won his Spurs." We don't do them so much now. Remember it?

So lovely and to my old, slightly jaundiced ears, so much better than some of the Jesus is my girlfriend songs we get now. (Don't get worked up, I can give you the names of several thousand witnesses who know that I really appreciate good loud worship and that I bow to no-one in my admiration of Tim Hughes et al)
FOW1 spent some of the summer reading a book for his archaeology degree called "By Sword and Fire - Cruelty and Atrocity in Medieval Warfare" From what I can make out, most knights spent their time a-pillaging and
a-massacring anything with a pulse rather than your actual gallanting and chivalrying.
This may be why it has fallen out of favour, which I suppose is fair enough. Still, it makes me a little sad. It always made me think of truth and honour being important and seemed to have this spirit of commitment running through it. And I like that and I don't care.

On a less edifying note.Went out Friday night and had to record last episode of Parade's End. Still haven't had time to watch it so have commanded the few people I know who are following it to refrain from any mention of ANYTHING at all that went on. Especially the prospect of jig-a jig. Am not sure this programme is doing my spirituality any good at all as am very much hoping that he leaves his wife and goes off with Valentine. I am not proud of myself.

Remembering

I remember you always wandering off as a little boy and having to send Pedro - our chihuahua to find you.

I remember you sitting on my knee when you were perhaps six years old. You and your friend were being interviewed by the police as someone had reported you for vandalising their garden by pulling up all their pansies. You were so upset and full of denials and the policeman was so lovely that we all knew that it couldn't have been you. Until the police man left and you gave me a big theatrical wink.

I remember us decorating Mum's front room and you falling off the step ladders (in a non-ambulance needing kind of way) and the whole thing descended into a Laurel and Hardy farce. Then Mum came in and really told us off while we stifled giggles. I was 28 and you were 20.

I remember how you used to lecture me about God being faithful in all things, especially our weakness and how I should lighten up a bit and just be grateful.

I remember sitting on the train with you to go to Manchester for a job interview. You had had such a bad time with a workplace bully in your first job and this would be such a leap. I was so proud when you got the job and prospered.

I remember that you were the first person I told when HOH first kissed me.

I remember when HOH had his eye operation and how you ferried me backwards and forwards to Manchester. We couldn't have done that without your kindness.

I remember when you lost your way and you hurt so many people in your confusion.

I remember when you told me you were gay and saying "So I'm supposed to be surprised"

I remember as we watched your lifestyle and the concerns we had for your safety both physical and for your heart. I remember us losing each other completely as my disapproval and fear came up against your behaviour.

I remember how you turned up out of the blue and how Liam told us that you had wanted to get your life back on track before you came back. When we came to the celebration at your civil ceremony you asked how I had got to this place. I told you how easy it was. The day that I realised that God just wanted me to love you - not judge you - that was never my place. And I did love you and that was that and everything else flowed from that.

I remember that first Christmas with you and Liam and the evening with the Beatles Rockband. You were very unkind about my drumming.

I remember your breathlessness which became pneumonia. We wondered if it was as a result of your lifestyle (not that it would have made a difference) but the doctors said not. I remember the nurse who told me that although they saved over 90% of people with pneumonia that still meant that they lost nearly 10%.

I remember the day you became one of those 10%. Two years this week. I miss you Bro.

Dave Carter 1969-2010

This one is for me

Mostly dear readers of mine, I write a bit for me and a bit for you. I try and take into account what you might like to hear and scribble accordingly. This one, however, is more for me this week. I kind of know it but wanted to write it down because it will do me good to see it. Feel free to ignore.

A long reading - bit and pieces from Exodus. You can read it in more coherent form in the Bible

Sooo, the Children of Israel are on the run from Egypt, because Pharaoh had decided to let them go and then changed his mind, as you do when you are an all powerful despot I suppose. (Just a word of advice - bad move)

They moved on from Succoth and then camped at Etham at the edge of the wilderness. God went ahead of them in a Pillar of Cloud during the day to guide them on the way, and at night in a Pillar of Fire to give them light;this way they could travel by day and night. The Pillar of Cloud by Day and the Pillar of Fire by night never left the people.
God spoke to Moses "Tell the Israelites to turn around and make camp at Pi Hahiroth, between Migdol and the sea. Camp on the shore of the sea opposite Baal Zephon." And that's what happened.

Just to note here that the children of Israel who are not particularly noted for their unquestioning obedience to God are, for once doing exactly what they are told. They followed the Pillar exactly as God commanded and suddenly find that the whole thing goes massively pear shaped as they look behind to see lots of Egyptian shaped armies making a bee line for them. They are trapped. They are on the shore of the sea and the lie of the land means that they cannot go left or right - not to mention the fact that they are quite obviously NOT an army - they are a band of refugees who are not equipped for any sort of fighting at all. They have, to all intents and purposes, followed God into a trap. They then revert immediately to type and begin moaning and groaning and wishing they were dead etc. Moses - again to type - makes a big pronouncement about God while also telling then to back off.

"Don't be afraid. Stand firm and watch God do his work of salvation for you today. take a good look at the Egyptians for you're never going to see them again. God will fight the battle for you.
And you? You keep your mouths shut!"

The rest is history as they say. The very Pillar of Fire/Cloud that had proved so treacherous to Israel, turned on the Egyptians and they ended up sleeping with the fishes as Italian type people are sometimes heard to say.

So what to learn?
Not all messes are of my making. Sometimes I am being as obedient as I am ever going to get in this lifetime and it still ends up a big pile of poop.
It seems that God actually leads us into horrible places, where there is apparently no escape.
But, if I believe in God is it realistic believing in a God who
a) Ain't that keen on me
b) Is too wishy-washy to actually do anything to help me.
And anyway, all the evidence at my disposal points to a) and b) being a pile of piffle.

There is, of course, always the possibility that God leads us/me into these places to show us
a) How much he loves us by...
b) being God and doing something stupendous and rescuing us.

All I need to do is hand it over, carry on doing what I am told and believe.

Mark 9
I believe. Help me with my doubts