Big C Little C

For the newly diagnosed..

Nothing will ever be the same again. That much is certainly true. You will mourn and mourn long and hard for the life that you have lost and that is ok. But there are some things that I would like to tell you - some things that I discovered during my own journey. I have found these things to be true - for me anyway and I would hope that they may help you.

You have joined a club that you never wanted to be a member of. It has probably surprised you just how much is going on in cancer land - much of it positive and hopeful. But really you would rather not have known - not ever - not really. I remember a newly diagnosed friend whispering to me about how annoyed she was about some friends running marathons for her. Because although she knew they were being kind, she didn't want to be that person that they were being kind to. She didn't want to be there. She has since run several marathons herself, but at the beginning she couldn't, not then. She had to accept, as all the diagnosed and those who love them must, that life has changed forever. Yet this change, though so terrible (in the full sense of the word) has so much in it that will be good. You will see things with new eyes. Gratitude will surprise you when you least expect it. Nothing will ever be measured in the same way that it was before. Some of it, and this is difficult to believe now, will be better. It will be richer, stronger and more clear sighted. You will wonder why you ever worried about the things you worried about. You will be taken aback by the amount of love you feel for those you love. 

You will learn to be patient but you will be less accepting of religious rubbish. "All things work together for good" is not a trite throw-away line to be delivered by someone who is trying to say the right thing. It is a strong wall to hide behind in times of deep, deep trouble but it is not an easy wall to get to. To learn to say this and mean it comes out of experience, an experience of seeing amazing things happen in deep and dark circumstances. Take the kindness that people offer because you will gain strength from it. Kindness is a fruit of the Spirit and therefore a supernatural thing. Let people love you, bake pies, do your ironing, take your kids out. This will help practically and somehow, in some deep way, you will actually gain strength from it. 

Speaking of the supernatural, I would say, take all the treatment that is offered to you but do not forget the power of God. He does not play odds or percentages. My own survival percentages were very low - I would not get past five years. That was eighteen years ago. Learn to look for him in all your dark circumstances. Now is one of the toughest times. So much time being spent being called into doctors rooms to hear results or sitting on plastic chairs in hospital corridors or waiting in rooms for the curtain to be pulled back as the consultant sweeps in. You think that you will never laugh again - laugh properly - not for the benefit of calming someone who you love. You will though. It will take you by surprise probably. But you will feel joy again. A different kind of joy but joy nonetheless. 

The truth is that despite the worst possible diagnosis, there is still a lot of living to be done. It is a different life and everything in it will be measured differently, but it is still there to be lived and you must make sure that you continue to live it. 

Stratford

Last week we took ourselves off to Stratford Upon Avon for a few days. We had a lovely time. Really lovely. We went to Shakespeare's Birthplace which was excellent even though I can normally live without guides in period costume invading my personal space. I think this goes back to a very scary experience at Wigan Pier Museum which had a Victorian Schoolroom with a terrifying school teacher. It's a miracle anyone ever leant anything in Victorian England. Anyway, I digress. We also saw a play - as you do. We didn't do a Shakespeare. There were only tickets for Cymbeline, which I know less than nothing about, except that there are not a lot of laughs. So we decided against that and I was quite glad, Especially, when queueing in Lakeland, (Thanks for asking - I got a really nice stir-fry pan - with a lid. I love Lakeland) I heard a lady telling the cashier that she had been to see Cymbeline and that she came to see all the Shakespeares but that this one was bum numbing. (Don't blame me - her description) We went to see Cervantes' Don Quixote with David Threlfall and Rufus Hound. 

To my shame, I probably know less about this than I do about Cymbaline apart from some vague childhood memory of Peter O'Toole bellowing "To Dream The Impossible Dream" at a windmill. (This may not be an accurate memory) I'll be honest. It was a stellar night. One of the best nights at the theatre - ever. Funny, sad, inventive and not too long, which was important because our seats were sort of stools that we had to perch on like Andy Williams in those 60's TV specials. We had a lovely meal in the RSC as well to complete an excellent night.
On a tiny tiny low note. When you have done what we did in Stratford, I'm not sure what else there is to do. We spent a pleasant enough hour sitting by the river watching Spanish children trying to torture the swans and then crying when they got a nasty nip back. Entertaining enough but I'm not sure we would have been able to keep our kids happy if they had been there - especially as HOH and I seemed to bring the average age down to about eighty. I'm not expecting Vegas or the Grand Canyon in a balloon or anything but I think we more or less felt that we had covered anything when we left. Besides, we had to go. We had a date in Bristol on the way back. At IKEA - oh yes, oh yes. Told you it was an excellent break. 

Silver

Last week was our Silver Wedding Anniversary. I know I know, you can't believe it. Too young you cry and I can understand that. But twenty five years it is. We celebrated by clearing off to Stratford for a few days, leaving our dog and his separation issues with FOW2. I would just like to thank her here for coming home from Uni to do this for us and also to apologize for her having to be in the garden at 3am while said dog insisted on crying and seeing if he could see us coming back. Anyway, more of Stratford later in the week but I just thought I would leave you with a couple of photos of us all those years ago so you could see how mighty fine we were. And for all those chums on Facebook who said that we don't look any different - well we all know that's not true but don't think that it's not appreciated.

Dark

So Sally Brampton came to the end and walked into the sea to die. I found her writing on depression the most instructive and enlightening I had ever read. Many years ago a friend at work suffered the suicide of her brother. On the day she came back to work, because everyone felt so awkward, the manager put me and my friend in a corner of the bank to check a long list of regular payments. A job that would supposedly take a week. As we halfheartedly ticked away at boxes on forms that we weren't reading properly, we began to talk about her brother. She was upset at his selfishness and I completely understood that. She was dealing with the fallout; her  mother's anguish, her own terrible loss, the annoyance at how stigmatised she felt. I could do nothing but agree. How could he treat those he loved like this?
Years later I read a column by Sally Brampton on suicide and suddenly, I at least partly understood. 

Killing oneself is, anyway, a misnomer. We don't kill ourselves. We are simply defeated by the long, hard struggle to stay alive

People with this level of depression don't make an effort to kill themselves. They make an effort not to take their own lives. Every day that they are this depressed, they make a gargantuan effort to stay with those they love. For some, eventually, the effort gets too much. 

It is very dark out there sometimes for some people. I can get a bit frustrated at Christians who talk about God being light (which he is) and because God is everything therefore there is no room for dark - so let's all just cheer up a bit eh? 
But John talks about God being the light that breaks through the darkness which surely acknowledges that God knows that some people are having really hard times. 

If I am told to bring salt and light to people's lives, I have to first acknowledge that some people are in the dark. I'm supposed to bring light, not make them feel worse for being in the dark in the first place. Life bites people on the bum sometimes. Do I believe that God has the power to break through all this darkness and bring clarity and light? Yup I do. Does that diminish the reality of the suffering for the sick, the lost, the lonely? What do you think? 

May Books of the Month

Didn't know if you would be interested but these are on the reading plan for May. Bit late really, have already read a couple. I know there's a lot and I haven't won the pools or anything not that I'm a gambling woman you understand. A couple are car boot finds etc. Some are new though. I like a book.
The Jazz Files - been seeing this around on the ACW site for a while now. Sometimes Christian writers trying "a bit-Christian" fiction can be tricky I find but am liking the look of the subject matter and first couple of chapters are rollocking along nicely. 
Wonderful Weekend Book - I have already scooted through this. Lots of impractical ideas really about your weekends, but it is written in such an engaging way and the overriding principle about doing all your work in the week so you have a day for rest is excellent. Reminds me of another principle er...er oh yes Sabbath I think it's called.
You Are A Badass. Probably terrible self help book but find this kind of thing totally irresistible. Probably proof of some deep-seated personality defect (Also probably not that deep-seated.)
Diary of an Ordinary Woman. Have never read any Margaret Forster. Read her obituary and wanted to. So I bought this. It's not rocket science.
H is for Hawk. Everyone raves about it. 50p at the boot sale. What do you want? Jam on it?
Still Foolin' em. I love Billy Crystal ergo I will love a book full of his anecdotes with sleeve notes by Steve Martin and Robin Williams. Theirs was a gang I always wanted to join.

Just normal

There's been a lot of fuss about the weather. Suddenly, the sun has come out and everyone has gone a bit bonkers. Everyone in Plymouth is dressing like it's as hot as the Durrells. (I can live without seeing those bits of you young sir to be honest)  But, whisper it, round here it's not that warm. The sun has been out but there is still quite a stiff breeze up your whatsits if you stand still long enough. Street coffee culture can prove quite difficult when you have to put stones on everything to stop it flying away. Round here having lunch al fresco is even more difficult because you have to fend off stonking great seagulls all the time. It's not very Italian really. 
Now they tell us that the sun is finished and torrential rain will follow. I could have told you this was going to happen as HOH was out in the garden with his watering can over the weekend. Always a sure sign of inclement weather to follow. If you need to check the time when it will actually be tipping down in England - because of washing on lines or other considerations - I suggest about 10.15 am on Tuesday. That is the time I will be outside trying to take some publicity photos of recalcitrant old people getting on and off a shopping bus.You would think it would be a simple task. Experience tells me it will not. Old people tend to spend a lot of these shoots shouting "Oooh don't you include me in that, I look terrible" and then writing to their MP because they are not in the newspaper. 
For the Brits amongst us, I do hope you are doing ok with the referendum. I can't say I am. It's the way that every single sentence has to be followed by a single opposing sentence. So you hear someone say "Coming out of the EU will compromise our security" but this has to be followed - I think it is actually The Law now - by "The Out campaigners say it will definitely not compromise our security." so you are back where you started. Yesterday, we had a speech where our Dear Prime Minister warned us that Churchill would have wanted us to stay in to avoid World War and Pestilence. This was countered by Boris Johnson singing Ode To Joy in German for some reason - making us all very uncomfortable. I am trying to make an informed choice here!
I didn't watch the BAFTAs but was pleased to learn that Peter Kay (Probably the only living comedy genius now Victoria Wood has gone) and Wolf Hall (The best thing on the telly... er just ever) won big. I did watch the BBC Shakespeare Hollow Crown thing and enjoyed it very much. Then all the Shakespeare experts said it wasn't very good and the iambic pentameter was all wrong. No idea. I enjoyed it. (Struggled a bit with Sophie Okonado as a 15 year old schemer, because she is so luscious and because her husband actually DID look about fifteen.)
It's just very normal and a bit boring week here but best get back to it. I think I should be quite grateful for normal. At least I am not trying to visit a hospital in Allepo this week. God Bless Them.

Friend

I'm a bit worried about Facebook. Not the actual multi zillion dollar machine itself obviously just what happens on there sometimes. It's not just Facebook - it's a lot of Social Media generally. I think there is a fine line sometimes between sharing and bragging. Now I like a nosey and I love it when people put photos up of themselves and the things that they are doing. It's nice to leave a comment - especially when you live a long way from the person. I love wedding and birthday photos and pictures of new chubby babies. I love photos of days out to interesting places. It's generally a pleasing thing. I just think it's a bit weird sometimes when people put posts up like "Had a great time with my friends last night". Why wouldn't you say that to their face - as you left their house? Why wouldn't you turn round and say "Oooh thanks, I had a lovely time" and kiss them on both cheeks or give a cheery wave? Why do people go on and on about how great such and such a person is and say how close they are etc. Wouldn't you just say so? To them? When they are in the room? Why are you telling us? I sometimes wonder if people see posts like that about themselves and are surprised about how awesome they apparently are or just how epic the walk round the reservoir was when they just thought it was a nice hour out. 
The answer must be partly, I suppose, that the post is really for others to see - to show how popular we are are and what an amazing life we have. But then how is that received by those who don't have an amazing life? What about the lonely or the struggling or those who weren't included? How do they feel I wonder? Is it like being back at school and finding out that everyone had been out playing without you? What about preferring the weaker brother?
Then you get these little things that say things like "Share if your daughter is awesome" What difference does that make to anything? If I don't share does that mean that my daughter isn't awesome?  The weirdest one is "Share if you hate cancer." Seriously? Do they get many people who don't hate cancer? It's all very puzzling.  

Maybe it might be a bit more honest to post something like "Had..... round for a meal. Not a sparkling evening really. Was quite relieved when they left and I could catch up on Pointless." 

Age Related Musing

These are my favourite flowers - peonies. They seem to have a short season so I buy them much more often than I usually buy flowers because I luf them. They are blousy and bright and in your face. A bit like Bet Lynch behind the bar in Coronation Street. Then, after a couple of days they open really wide and the colour starts to change - fading down to a very pleasing creamy colour. 

Now they are not as barmaid-busty and the petals become much more delicate and sometimes bits fall off. They are still lovely though and perhaps even a bit more interesting than they were in the first flush of youth.
So I was thinking - do you think they remind you of people? We may not be as bright and bushy tailed as we were but maybe still interesting, still pretty in a sort of droopy kind of way and still pleasing to an experienced eye.I expect it's just me then.

God's Measuring

I have been very moved by a post by Ang over at Tracing Rainbows about her friend who has died. You can and should read it here for it is beautiful. It has also clicked into one of my passions and my strongest beliefs - that God measures lives in a totally different way to us. Everyone seems to be obsessed with the deaths of famous people at the moment. I was very emotional about the death of Victoria Wood, a woman I related to on lots of levels and whose wit and warmth I loved. However, she was a popular and successful woman and, if initially I was a bit put out by how many people had said that she was like their own personal best friend (when she was, quite obviously, mine) I did understand that she was well known and very good at what she did so I could forgive them.

But I believe that God measures success differently. He sees success in a quiet life of service devoted to him. By our measurement, a lady who didn't attain much academically or didn't marry or have children may even be seen as a failure - she didn't manage to have it all. But we are wrong. God looks at someone who gives their all, who is cheerful and courageous and who loves him and he says "well done". God sees people who live through appalling circumstances and find peace and contentment in solitude as overcomers. God sees those who always try to be kind even if it means sometimes allowing themselves to be ridden roughshod over as heroes of the faith. God sees a life devoted to justice and truth as a life well spent. In the wake of the Hillsborough verdicts, I have read newspapers saying that people have wasted their lives chasing justice but I think that the families will not see their lives as wasted. Of course they would rather have never had to do it but it was not a waste of a life to spend it chasing down the truth for their loved ones or, as you could put it, hungering and thirsting after righteousness. 

We need to learn to adjust our values to God's values. To see others and ourselves as God sees. This life tells us we need to be this or have that and it is often a distortion. God promotes real values not plastic ones and the amazing thing is that these are values with a promise attached to them. Do these things and be this person and you will find who you are supposed to be. I'm just going to put here the Message version of Matthew 5 because I love it - although I love lots of versions. It is a challenge to start to use God's measurer in life with the promise of what will come if we do. 

3 “You’re blessed when you’re at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule.

4 “You’re blessed when you feel you’ve lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you.

5 “You’re blessed when you’re content with just who you are—no more, no less. That’s the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can’t be bought.

6 “You’re blessed when you’ve worked up a good appetite for God. He’s food and drink in the best meal you’ll ever eat.

7 “You’re blessed when you care. At the moment of being ‘care-full,’ you find yourselves cared for.

8 “You’re blessed when you get your inside world—your mind and heart—put right. Then you can see God in the outside world.

9 “You’re blessed when you can show people how to cooperate instead of compete or fight. That’s when you discover who you really are, and your place in God’s family.

10 “You’re blessed when your commitment to God provokes persecution. The persecution drives you even deeper into God’s kingdom.

They've Gone

Both FOWs have returned to their places of learning. We had a lovely week. Flippin' heck I ate a lot. FOW2 and my good self visited London. As it was her birthday treat she had stipulated no culture; as she was up to her eyeballs with all that at university. I was a bit worried about how seven hours in London would pan out if we could only go to Oxford Street. As it was, we made the train back with only fifteen minutes to spare. I must be more of a secret shopper than I thought.
We sat on the Tube on the way back - packed to the drawstrings with shopping bags. I only felt a smidgen of guilt when two anti-cuts protesters - placards and all - got on and sat in front of us. Should I have been doing something more substantial with my time? FOW2 reassured me that she had felt the same until said protester's terrible rainbow dreadlocks had meant that she had lost all her brownie points. Oh to be able to dismiss guilt so easily.
We also played host to Aged Parent for tea. I instantly became invisible as she spotted grandchildren, as is the way with most grandparents I suppose. FOW1 got a bit tetchy when she informed him that his face had filled out nicely and there was also a bit of a moment when Aged Parent pointed out that FOW2 was getting much better at expressing her opinion more forcefully. This was probably something to do with a conversation which, try as I might, I could not prevent, which was sort of about whether a boyfriend's career was more important than yours. Needless to say, they both had differing opinions about this. I cannot crush potatoes and stop World War Three at the same time. Male members of the family were conspicuous by their absence. 
Anyway, all things getting back to normal now. HOH and I ate our tea at the table tonight to celebrate the return to a quieter life. Not that we don't miss them like crazy. Haven't been to church for a couple of weeks, what with being away and everything. Am hoping that the Second Coming hasn't happened in my absence. Who would there be left to tell me? Anyway, if you were expecting to be taken and you are still here - give us wave will you.

Absence etc

I am sorry I have not been around. Sprogs are back around for a while. Church minutes to type up. HOH and Aged Parent struggling with colds. Birthday celebrations for FOW2 needing to be organised and then partaken of. Day job exceedingly busy. Have made resolution to try not to strive. So sorry. Not there. Be back. Deffo.
Am leaving you with nce photo of my new vac which I have sort of inherited. Long story. It works ok. It's no Dyson but most worrying is the way I am talking to it when it gets stuck. "Don't go under there" "Ooh there's no good is it - you'll never get out" Old age is a terrible thing

The thing is we never were...

Guardian

...were we Mr Cameron?
There's a bit of a rant on the way but it is more in sadness than anger. So this week, we found out that people use offshore tax havens to hide money from their governments, or their wives or the lady that cleans for them. This, I think came as a surprise to precisely no-one.
There were a few choice names that came up and the people of Iceland were especially vexed as they had been told that there was no money anywhere in the whole country and it was fairly disappointing to find out that one of the reasons for that was that their leader had been spiriting it away to Panama in his wife's name. Other than that, we were all unhappy but not especially concerned. What could we do? Then the name "Cameron" came up and it all kicked off.
I take no pleasure in watching a man squirm the way our Prime Minister did this week. It would, of course, been better to be honest right at the beginning and say exactly what went on but which of us hasn't been guilty of being a bit economical with the truth and mumbling a bit in the hope that all this unpleasantness will fade away?
Now I didn't vote for him but I don't think Mr Cameron is anywhere near the most unpleasant person in his party. There is a lot of competition for that spot and I don't even think he is Premier League. I also feel that there is a possibility that some of these more unsavoury elements may be lining up someone as a successor to their Dear Leader and may be stirring things up a bit behind the scenes. (Too House of Cards?  OK.)
What was the most upsetting was to see laid out before your eyes, something that I always thought was true anyway. All that stuff about us all being in this together. We were never all in this together. Not really. In a week when I know of  a young woman who has had her toes removed and her lungs wrecked after a flesh eating disease took its toll, it's not really true to say that you are in it with her is it? Because this week she has had all her benefits and her mobility car taken off her - so college will be a nightmare and  work impossible. Then there is the couple I know. She is a permanent wheelchair user. he is her carer and has several disabilities himself. Still he was managing to hold down a job. It was in a hotel on Dartmoor as a reception manager. He was very highly thought of but he will have to give it up now. Guess why? because you can't get to a hotel on Dartmoor without a car. Well you can catch two buses and walk three quarters of a mile. If you don't need a stick to walk.
I'm not sure that someone who knows that, whatever happens, he doesn't have to worry too much because he can always play out some jiggery pokery with a few hundred thousand can't seriously think that we believe him when he says that we are all in this together can he? I think we all knew that in reality we never were but now we get to see it in black and white.

Its all gone Quite Dark Again.

Thank the Lord for the flippin' Durrells - that's what I say. My Family and Other Animals is one of my favourite books so adaptations make me nervous but this was great. It is a ray of sunshine in a sea of programmes where people are having horrible things happen to them. HOH follows them all - he especially likes a Scandi drama. But even he came into the kitchen after watching Marcella - the new drama with Anna Friel - and remarked "Good grief - that was nasty." Of course he said she was very good, which she obviously is and it's written really well but I'm just not bothering with it. Same with Line of Duty - you know, when the Film "Seven" had a severed head in it, it was so shocking every one I knew talked about it for days. Now we'll be getting them in Blue Peter soon, along with the obligatory tortured/imprisoned female. I really miss Morse sometimes.
Anyway - while I am ranting. Be careful what you wish for drama wise. I stopped watching The Night Manager because halfway through the second episode I realised that I had read it. (Pin sharp as usual, I am) I had read it and not enjoyed it. I thought the ending was downbeat and unsatisfying and SPOILERS - the baddie did not get what was coming to him. So when I heard that they had changed the end, I sat down and had a watch and, indeed they tied a lot of loose ends up and everything was all rosy and.. and.. I didn't like it! Maybe the end was meant to be less than satisfying. Maybe when someone writes a story they have that unhappy ending running silently through it so anything else jars a bit. I don't know. Anyway - for the record I am probably the only person in the universe to say this but I didn't think Hugh Laurie was all that as the villain. I thought he did "deranged genius" really well in House but I just couldn't see him as the kingpin of an international arms group. Quite frankly, he never looks as if he can be bothered to put in the amount of effort that being an international criminal would take. Just my opinion. Nothing to get worked up about. 

Flagging

Because he never lost sight of where he was headed—that exhilarating finish in and with God—he could put up with anything along the way: Cross, shame, whatever. And now he’s there, in the place of honor, right alongside God. When you find yourselves flagging in your faith, go over that story again, item by item, that long litany of hostility he plowed through. That will shoot adrenaline into your souls! Heb 12

Is it Christian to flag - a bit - sometimes? I think it must be. Do you know how I know? Because the Bible tells us not to flag and therefore, people must have been flagging if God had to tell them not to flag. Oh do keep up at the back!
I don't know about you but it has seemed like a long winter here. Not that it has been extra cold or anything because it hasn't. It just seems to have dragged on. We have seen a few changes here at Martha Towers what with the FOWs leaving home. (Although one is back at the moment - pretending to revise) HOH and I get on pretty well all things considered but the sprogs moving on has caused me to be a bit weird in the odd small dose. A friend warned me this would happen a few years ago. She went into a full on depression when hers left. I'm not sure I have gone that far, for which I am grateful, rather than giving myself any credit, but there is certainly a sense of "What now?"
I'm not talking about HOH and I not enjoying what our parents used to call "A Nice Drive Out" - without any eye rolling or tutting -  we intend to do lots of that but when you have spent a good proportion of your energy looking after the FOWs and then they are gone it is a bit - well sad. And I have flagged. Yes I have. I am normally a cheerful sort, my attitude IS gratitude but I have found myself asking about the way forward. Of course, asking God is the last thing I think to do - I usually like to leave praying about something until I have reached desperation levels. It's a little quirk of mine that probably drives God quite bonkers. But I am sort of asking now - whither am I to go? (Sorry - gone a bit Friendly Persuasion there) I don't suppose that this is anything that millions of parents before me haven't experienced but there you are. I am nothing if not unoriginal!

Easter Thinking (4) The Lord is Risen Indeed

I thought a bit about the Resurrection. About the reality of the Resurrection. I struggle a bit with pictures of glowing cloaks and a half naked Jesus stepping on soldiers and waving a flag. I like this Caravaggio about the meal on the road to Emmaus. I like that Jesus looks a bit careworn.The events of the last few days maybe having taken a toll. I like the split second of recognition on the faces of the disciples and the way their hands are almost touching. I also think the two extra people in the painting are interesting - one looks like he will take a bit more convincing thank you very much and the lady looks so worn down by life that she is not sure how much difference this will make to her anyway.

It is interesting, I think, how we react to the miraculous in this life. even the most pivotal and important miracle. It's like our reaction to the tumour that is no longer on the x-ray, the last child pulled from the rubble of an earthquake, the second chance given to the plane crash survivor. 

This was a hard fought for miracle. It didn't come easily. Victory did not fall into the lap of Jesus. Yet still, victory it was. How it affects though depends on what we do with it. We step into it and it reflects in how we live our lives or it doesn't. 

Today was Jesus' day of victory. Now we have to go away and make the chance we have been given mean something for us and those we are called to love.

Easter Thinking (3) - Easter Saturday

Holbein

It's always darkest just before the dawn -  or something. So today was the day before the big day. We know that now, so it's easy to be all full of faith about the promise now. Because we are here all these years later and we know it happened. Harder I think for the followers of Jesus at the time. There were perhaps a few obtuse prophecies - half remembered - about the temple or Jesus returning. But all they had for the moment were nightmares about what they had seen yesterday and a dead body. And, because of the brutal times in which they lived, they were quite aware of what a dead body looked like, thank you very much. This man was most definitely dead - none of this swooning nonsense that some people waffle about these days. He has been tortured and killed. No one could deny that.
And the day lasted just as long as every other day. No clues, no encouragement, just tears and bewilderment. What was that all about then? So they made some arrangements, perhaps to get together and pray. A bit half hearted maybe and not everyone would be there. Peter seemed to have gone back to his old life. So Mary Magdalene and some of the other women made arrangements to go and embalm the body - not check if he had risen by the way - look after his dead body. They would meet early in the morning, as soon as sabbath was over. 
And all the time, while the tiniest grains of faith were still binding them as friends, nudging them to pray and to stand their ground in their everyday lives, the miracle was approaching. As each minute passed it was getting nearer and nearer. No warning, no signs but it was on its way.

 When the Sabbath was over, Mary Magdalene, Mary the mother of James, and Salome bought spices so they could embalm him. Very early on Sunday morning, as the sun rose, they went to the tomb.

Easter Thinking (2) - Good Friday

Chagal. White Crucifixion.. Chicago Art Institute

I'm not really up for writing about the Crucifixion. I don't have the skills. There have been countless poets and hymn writers who have got a lot closer than me. So I'm not going to do it. Write about the Crucifixion I mean. It's too much for me and I am useless. I did want to say a couple of things though. 
Firstly, I'm really glad that "It's Friday but Sunday's coming" Well, obviously it is but it is still Friday. And, if it's all the same to you, I would like to spend at least a portion of this day thinking on the horror that Jesus experienced. I'm not too keen on pretending that the darkness is never worth dwelling on for more than a millisecond. Partly because I think it does Jesus a dis-service but also, if we refuse to face the fact of a darkness full on, how can we identify with those who weep or mourn? Look how this darkness threw Peter. The night before when he had promised undying loyalty and love, Jesus had told him what would happen.

 “Don’t be so sure,” Jesus said. “This very night, before the rooster crows up the dawn, you will deny me three times.”

And that's exactly what Peter did - a full throated, expletive filled denial in the end. And Peter was overcome. Overcome at his own weakness, and his inability to amount to anything after all the promising and the enthusiasm. He was so overcome that he completely forgot the rest of what Jesus had said to him. 

"But after I am raised up, I, your Shepherd, will go ahead of you, leading the way to Galilee.”

Jesus would come back, and would lead him and Peter would be restored. Peter was blinded to all this, so that on this day of days when Peter had said that he would be there for Jesus, he was nowhere to be found.

Later on, all this would be fulfilled of course but for now Peter was absent as his friend was tortured and killed. The fear had overcome him and he felt there was no way back. Good Friday reminds us that sometimes, for some, all seems lost and hope struggles to get a look in and it makes us go missing from God. People are having those times now as well. Hope seems lost, the darkness overwhelms, we are weak and afraid. Sometimes, as Christians we can be guilty of bellowing "Be Of Good Cheer!" at people (Christianese for "Buck Up") and then leaving it at that. Today of all days is a time when we can at least, gently rub the back of someone's hand and acknowledge the fact of the darkness for a time.

Easter Thinking - The Day Before

We call it the Last Supper, when Jesus spent his last times of fellowship and friendship with his disciples. The last meal for a condemned man because Jesus knew exactly what was going to happen the next day. 
Social Media is full of snarking about Easter eggs not saying Easter or something and Christians warbling on about their rights as gay people or straight people or whatever. These are all important things but maybe not this weekend. Because here is the Son of God, humble, emotional, overcoming fear and holding on to the fact that he was returning to his Father. 

The quotes are from The Message - John 13 onwards

 Having loved his dear companions, he continued to love them right to the end.

With all that had occurred and all that was to occur - these men are described as his dear companions. Not men chosen just to preach the Gospel - but his dear, true friends. 

Jesus then, in an act of extraordinary selflessness and humility begins to bend down and wash the disciples' feet - including the feet of Judas who was still there. No-one else had offered, they called him Teacher and Lord and yet no-one jumped to serve him. So he served them. He put his own feelings aside and knelt at their feet. Even at this time, when he must have been glimpsing a shadow of a cross every time he turned his head, he lived the example. 

After he said these things, Jesus became visibly upset, and then he told them why. “One of you is going to betray me.”

The first time Jesus wobbles. He becomes upset, not because of what was to come but because of the betrayal, by one of his friends. Then again he takes control. He hands Judas the bread - Judas is sitting close enough to him to be handed the bread directly; not skulking about in the background, Was he still weighing it up? Or keeping up appearances? But, the moment Jesus passes him the bread, the balance tips. The Bible says that Satan entered. Judas left. The disciples were mainly ignorant but Jesus knew time was short.

Don’t let this throw you. You trust God, don’t you? Trust me. 

As the time runs away, Jesus tries to give them everything he thinks they will need. Don't be thrown by what you are about to see, I will not leave you alone, you mustn't worry about me - no one has any power over me.
And even as they are walking towards the garden where his betrayal will occur, the teaching continues, the words come tumbling out as if he is driven to tell them everything they need to know before he is snatched away  - he tells them they will be able to pray directly to the Father, he tells them that he has conquered the world and he also tells them that they will all leave him in his hour of need. And then he prays for them. A prayer for his followers that will continue to resonate with Christians. 
The whole thing is extraordinary, such selflessness, the Son of God shot through with humanity. 

America Helps (A Bit)

Wikipedia

Re my last blog about helping understand what is happening in America, this is interesting. One, part of a speech from President Obama and the second, a piece from a New Yorker columnist. Part of the conclusion seems to be, if winning is all you want and you are prepared to to do whatever it takes to win - slating your opponents, cosying up to bad people and manipulating vulnerable people - then sometimes you will see the consequences of those actions. Possibly, the Republican Party has gone about opposition in the wrong way - allowing themselves to be influenced by those whose opinion is just about power rather than what is right. And now - no-one can get those cats back in the bag. It's an interesting theory - if a bit scary and maybe a bit more credible than my theory about their brains being corrupted by flesh eating aliens. Anyway read Obama first..

There are thoughtful conservatives — good people in the Republican Party, good people who are Republican voters who care about poverty and they care about climate, and don’t resort to insults, and are troubled by what’s happening inside their own party. I know them. I’ve talked to them. But they’ve got to acknowledge why this happened — because some of them have been writing that, “Well, the reason our party is going crazy is because of Obama.” Which is a pretty novel idea. The notion is Obama drove us crazy.

Now, the truth is, what they really mean is their reaction to me was crazy and now it has gotten out of hand. But that’s different. I didn’t cause the reaction. The reaction is something that they have to take responsibility for and then figure out how do we make an adjustment.

Obama's analysis mirrors that of New Yorker editor David Remnick, who calls Trump "the beneficiary of a long process of Republican intellectual decadence.”

"Paul Ryan denounces Trump but not the Tea Party rhetoric that propelled his own political ascent," he writes. "John McCain holds Trump in contempt, but selected as his running mate Sarah Palin, the Know-Nothing of Wasilla, one of Trump’s most vivid forerunners and supporters. Mitt Romney last week righteously slammed Trump as a 'phony' and a misogynist, and yet in 2012 he embraced Trump’s endorsement and praised his 'extraordinary' understanding of economics."

Help Me America

Hello America

This is a bit of an open letter from a Brit. I have to tell you, I love America. I have only been once but I loved it. I loved America, I loved the people, the place, the telly, the shops. It seems to be full of reasonable people who were, for the most part, entirely normal.

I am immersed in American culture, like most people, I suppose. Reasons I love your county include...

• Nora Ephron
• Early Woody Allen films (not so much after Everyone Says I Love You - to be honest but that's still a fine body of work.)
• The Empire State
• Rick and Kay Warren
• The West Wing (Ahhh...The West Wing...)
• Billy Graham
• Steve Martin
• Tina Fey and Amy Pohler (Individually and together)
• Star Wars (Except - well, you know the three I mean)
• WWF (I know, but there it is)
• Frank Sinatra
• The Beach Boys
• Motown (Extra points for The Temptations)
• Christy Turlington's cheekbones
• Field of Dreams
• Randy from "Say Yes to the Dress"

And that's only the top of the list. America you are a bit weird when it comes to sporting events sometimes, and the Guns for all Toddlers Who Want One thing is unfortunate to say the least but - quite often - we look to you. So can you explain THIS to me. 

Wikipedia

I don't think I am alone in the UK when it comes to bafflement.We don't get it. Truly we don't. I mean, in the end, it's your choice and everything and no-one wants to interfere in things that don't concern us (although there is a worry that it might concern us all if he is allowed anywhere near the pressy nuclear button) but it all seems so out of character? Did you ever see the Invasion of the Body Snatchers where people's brains were taken over by an alien force? That's how this looks to outsiders at the moment. You might say that we are no great shakes ourselves and there is some truth in that. Lots of people here voted for a government with George Osborne in it but Donald Trump? Really? Help me America. Help me understand.

How Much?

This is a rant - pure and simple so if you have suffered enough today - feel free to leave. Also, it is going to be a particularly lady shaped rant so if you are of a sensitive bent - well whatever. Without going into long and tortuous detail about my personal circumstances, I wanted to talk about "Mastectomy Fashion." (Actually an Oxymoron but never mind) Ladies of a certain lopsided persuasion with bit of them missing have to wear special bras so that they can tuck false boobles in. (Still with me? Good!) I get a bit worked up about how much these bras are - rarely less than £30. However, that pales into insignificance when it comes to the price of the clothes. If you have ever reached the end of  a long day and found it relaxing to take off your bra and let your ning-nangs run free, you will realise how nice it would be for any lady to do the same. However, women with mastectomies need a pocket  to put a breast form in unless you want to look a bit lopsided. (Doesn't bother me too much but it is VITAL to some ladies.) So you can buy T Shirts and nighties and things - IF YOU TAKE OUT A PERSONAL LOAN! Behold this vest top.

It's not Armani is it? So why is it £44.00? (£52 pounds if you are not exempt from VAT)






Or this little beauty

This is a nightdress - supposedly to go to bed in. It starts at £57.00. I would wear it to collect an OBE in at that price.






So why so expensive? Could it possibly be because there is so little choice out there?  Is it possibly because traumatised women, for whom appearing normal and a bit attractive is sooo important have little choice but to pay? Some would say that this is just cosmetic but for women who have had their femininity assaulted the way that breast cancer does, cosmetic is as important as any other part of their rehab.You can't just whip to Primark and get a £3.99 vest like everyone else, your options are limited. I would expect to pay more because of the extra material but this smacks of taking advantage of people who have no choice.

I'm not really a big believer in what people call a courageous fight against cancer. In my experience most people are prepared to do whatever it takes to get rid of the stinking disease but the same people are very scared. The treatment is no fun - truly it isn't and that's before you get to the sheet terror of the whole thing. But survivors are making their way back into the world. They will bear the scars for the rest of their lives. To me, it feels that someone, somewhere is making not a profit from this (a profit is fine) but they are making a mahoosive profit and that just doesn't feel right does it?

Tulip Me Up!

It's a good job I am not religious about Mothers' Day because something has gone terribly wrong in here. I have seen all the lovely stuff in the magazines about Mums having breakfast in bed or lolling about all day in their dressing gowns. This has NOT happened here. Firstly - we have a severe shortage of offspring today. Some nonsense about University. So I am building up an intimate relationship with Moonpig. For those who don't know - Moonpig is an Internet card sending company which allows people to order and send cards without mauling about in Clintons or picking up a biro. They also guarantee next day delivery for those who despite numerous subtle texts, wake up in a cold sweat 24 hours before deadline day and no way of getting to Town to slam a card in the post box. Moonpig is blessed by all children who live away from home.

Secondly, the NHS insisted on calling staff into work today so the only other person who could spend the day serving my every need is at the hospital for the morning serving lots of other people's needs. Fair enough - they do pay him (a bit) and he left some flowers by proxy before he went.

So, in the absence of anyone to call me Mother - it is my turn to call someone else Mother so Aged Parent - who has had a chest infection and could probably live without a partaay is forced to come and eat Sunday lunch with us (I have to say - for someone with a post infection appetite - she did very well.) So that was all very nice. 

I appreciate all the lovely thoughts and messages, I really do and some of the things I have read on Facebook are equally edifying. However (and it's only a small however) I am sometimes a little disturbed by this Mother's Day juggernaut. I love my kids more than life itself and I don't say that lightly but I am aware that today is also full of people who have lost their children (Aged Parent being a case in point) and those who have never had children - sometimes longed for - sometimes not. Also there are those for whom the term "Mother" means only sadness and maybe even abuse. There are also those who have lost a much loved Mother. Today is a really painful day for lots of people. I am not saying that I want to rain on all the happy mothers' parades. We don't have to apologise for being who we are and Motherhood is a fantastic thing.  Just, a bit of sensitivity, you know and also remember that the fact that we are mothers doesn't make us any better than anyone else. Women, sometimes get to feel bad about themselves if don't fit cultural norms (whatever one of them is) and Christian women sometimes seem to suffer more than most but we are loved - as we are  - whether we have given birth or not. We are whole and complete in the God who loves us. We have nothing to prove and no Hallmark Card to live up to. 

And ye are complete in him, which is the head of all principality and power (Col 2)

What to do about Brexit?

So have you decided? Do we stay or do we go? I think I know which way I will go but I don't think I have anyone else to that for that. I mean no-one seems to have the faintest idea do they? Not the news, not the newspapers (all of whom have taken the stance that their owners have taken and are the writing the news accordingly, which is what they usually do) So then you look at the personalities involved. Who do I trust? You see, for me, it doesn't help that the initial gang looked like what my Grandad used to call "The End of the Pier Show."

See what I mean? Hello! - normal people out here trying to make an informed decision. Then when we look at the politics. There's Michael Gove who makes every teacher I know make a sort of involuntary noise like a balloon being let down. And Priti Patel who seems unable to make a full sentence on Question Time. And that woman who never blinks. Then there's Ian Duncan Smith. A man whose plan for reducing the benefits bill seems to involve making a lot of sick people work until they die. We haven't even got to George Galloway - singlehandedly adding to the gaiety of the nation with that hat and pronouncements about "No" not always meaning "No". But then it's not as if anyone on the other side is any better. George Osborne says leaving will harm the economy. But he doesn't know. How can he know? One - because we have never done it and Two because The Economy seems to do what it flamin well wants most of the time which accounts for Osborne's permanently surprised expression I suppose.
Then there's  Immigration. Europe is making such a cock up of the whole thing and we are one of the few countries who can pull up the drawbridge and back off from it. But it doesn't feel right to do that does it? While these poor people are fleeing from these homicidal maniacs,  just silently thanking God for the English Channel and then going about our own jolly business seems a bit off to me.
Also there's security. Apparently, if we withdraw, Interpol will take their ball home and not tell us about possible terrorist attacks and will laugh behind their hands when it happens. Seems a bit selfish. So much to think about. 
And finally and it's not finally because there is ages to go yet - Scotland's First Minister Nicola Sturgeon has said that if we leave Scotland will be demanding another Independence Referendum. No. Please Lord No. Not again.

The Introverted Charismatic

I have read his and enjoyed it - indeed I have but I have been thinking about why I liked it. I'm basically your go-to person for introversion. I like people but sometimes I find them a bit intimidating. Most of the time I would rather be pootling around at home and doing a bit of reading. However, I have attended a charismatic church since I was fifteen. This is despite the fact that some of the most terrifying words in the English Language for me are "Turn to the person next to you and..." or "Tonight we are going to do something a bit different." 

When I was a bit younger, it used to bother me that people who were more comfortable with some of the more energetic expressions of worship would sometimes look down on me. I have lost track of how many people have come over to me during times of worship and offer to pray for my release. It used to make me feel so bad about myself I would sometimes toy with offering to help these people release their heads from their shoulders. Those days are long gone and I am who I am much more often now. (For the record the most profound God-like prayer that anyone ever prayed for me came in the middle of a meeting when a lady came up and said "Can I pray for you please? I promise I won't go mad.")

 

So why would I choose to be in a church  where there will always be a possibility that things might become a bit - er jolly? Well first of all, I do have to qualify things a bit. I have been in charismatic meetings where the Bible is a foreign land because we are just going to groove along and see what happens. Ain't going to work for me I'm afraid. I need a certain amount of structure and I am there to learn - from other people and from the Bible. If there doesn't come a point when you put your flag down, it is unlikely that you are my kind of church. That being said though, why would a shy retiring sort like myself be here at all? Firstly, just because I don't always like it does that mean it is wrong? Sometimes I think I need to ask myself - do I need to respond to God here? Is it in a public way? Do I need to support someone else as they respond? And sometimes the answer God wants from me is "Yes". 

Secondly, I think I have to be where the action is. By that I mean where God is speaking to people - today. Where people are prayed for and healed. Where people see miracles. I tend not to get intimidated these days if my worship doesn't fit your worship and graciously I would say that before you tell me that I need to be a bit more like you,  you perhaps need to be working on your own eye speck while I work on this whacking great log that is blocking my vision. Mark Tanner, the author of this book says that people like me are a gift to the church. I think I am probably more the sort of gift like bath cubes or a vase that doesn't fit anywhere that you think you can probably do without. But God says not. He says that us quiet ones have our place and it is with you - worshiping him out of my truth. Now put your maracas down and lets get on as equals.

Trying to get hold of it

So I'm casting my mind back to the mid seventies. I'm in church on Sunday nights wrestling manfully with a tambourine that has taken against me and a floppy hat that keeps going wonky. And we are singing. This was pre Hillsong, pre Matt Redman and this was considered quite funky. 

 "The Lord thy God in the midst of thee is mighty; he will save, he will rejoice over thee with joy; he will rest in his love, he will joy over thee with singing.

 The Lord thy God in the midst of thee is mighty, is mighty, is miiiiiiiighteeee!"

(Thanks very much - I'm here all week)

It's from Zephaniah 3. How does it feel? Thinking that God "Joys Over You With Singing?" Most of the time I don't think the God looks at me and thinks - "There's someone I would like to Joy Over." It's the age old challenge - learning to see ourselves through God tinted glasses. I need to remind myself - I don't deserve this yet there it is. The mightiest mighty God - rejoices and joys - over me and over you. Just because he is who he is. It helps I think, to get a hold of that. Just thought we needed reminding. Dunno why.

Thank you

Hello, just a small shout out to says thanks for all your good wishes etc. I am feeling much better now but it was really horrible for a while - even my knees hurt. I am not one of those people who bangs on the doctor's door demanding antibiotics all the time but I gave it some thought this time tbh. Anyway much better now and hopefully will get back to a bit of writing this week. Am leaving you with photo of my handsome son playing in Battle of The Bands in York. The music isn't exactly my kind of thing, if I am being totally frank but the young people seem to like it. Also this is on it's way. Hurrah! Just loving these books.

Unwell

Chest infection
Can't eat
Can't sleep
Feeling very sorry for myself.
Unable to write
Struggling with will to live.
Hopefully back if survival proves possible (seeming unlikely at the moment)
Dog unconcerned