God's Measuring

I have been very moved by a post by Ang over at Tracing Rainbows about her friend who has died. You can and should read it here for it is beautiful. It has also clicked into one of my passions and my strongest beliefs - that God measures lives in a totally different way to us. Everyone seems to be obsessed with the deaths of famous people at the moment. I was very emotional about the death of Victoria Wood, a woman I related to on lots of levels and whose wit and warmth I loved. However, she was a popular and successful woman and, if initially I was a bit put out by how many people had said that she was like their own personal best friend (when she was, quite obviously, mine) I did understand that she was well known and very good at what she did so I could forgive them.

But I believe that God measures success differently. He sees success in a quiet life of service devoted to him. By our measurement, a lady who didn't attain much academically or didn't marry or have children may even be seen as a failure - she didn't manage to have it all. But we are wrong. God looks at someone who gives their all, who is cheerful and courageous and who loves him and he says "well done". God sees people who live through appalling circumstances and find peace and contentment in solitude as overcomers. God sees those who always try to be kind even if it means sometimes allowing themselves to be ridden roughshod over as heroes of the faith. God sees a life devoted to justice and truth as a life well spent. In the wake of the Hillsborough verdicts, I have read newspapers saying that people have wasted their lives chasing justice but I think that the families will not see their lives as wasted. Of course they would rather have never had to do it but it was not a waste of a life to spend it chasing down the truth for their loved ones or, as you could put it, hungering and thirsting after righteousness. 

We need to learn to adjust our values to God's values. To see others and ourselves as God sees. This life tells us we need to be this or have that and it is often a distortion. God promotes real values not plastic ones and the amazing thing is that these are values with a promise attached to them. Do these things and be this person and you will find who you are supposed to be. I'm just going to put here the Message version of Matthew 5 because I love it - although I love lots of versions. It is a challenge to start to use God's measurer in life with the promise of what will come if we do. 

3 “You’re blessed when you’re at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule.

4 “You’re blessed when you feel you’ve lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you.

5 “You’re blessed when you’re content with just who you are—no more, no less. That’s the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can’t be bought.

6 “You’re blessed when you’ve worked up a good appetite for God. He’s food and drink in the best meal you’ll ever eat.

7 “You’re blessed when you care. At the moment of being ‘care-full,’ you find yourselves cared for.

8 “You’re blessed when you get your inside world—your mind and heart—put right. Then you can see God in the outside world.

9 “You’re blessed when you can show people how to cooperate instead of compete or fight. That’s when you discover who you really are, and your place in God’s family.

10 “You’re blessed when your commitment to God provokes persecution. The persecution drives you even deeper into God’s kingdom.

They've Gone

Both FOWs have returned to their places of learning. We had a lovely week. Flippin' heck I ate a lot. FOW2 and my good self visited London. As it was her birthday treat she had stipulated no culture; as she was up to her eyeballs with all that at university. I was a bit worried about how seven hours in London would pan out if we could only go to Oxford Street. As it was, we made the train back with only fifteen minutes to spare. I must be more of a secret shopper than I thought.
We sat on the Tube on the way back - packed to the drawstrings with shopping bags. I only felt a smidgen of guilt when two anti-cuts protesters - placards and all - got on and sat in front of us. Should I have been doing something more substantial with my time? FOW2 reassured me that she had felt the same until said protester's terrible rainbow dreadlocks had meant that she had lost all her brownie points. Oh to be able to dismiss guilt so easily.
We also played host to Aged Parent for tea. I instantly became invisible as she spotted grandchildren, as is the way with most grandparents I suppose. FOW1 got a bit tetchy when she informed him that his face had filled out nicely and there was also a bit of a moment when Aged Parent pointed out that FOW2 was getting much better at expressing her opinion more forcefully. This was probably something to do with a conversation which, try as I might, I could not prevent, which was sort of about whether a boyfriend's career was more important than yours. Needless to say, they both had differing opinions about this. I cannot crush potatoes and stop World War Three at the same time. Male members of the family were conspicuous by their absence. 
Anyway, all things getting back to normal now. HOH and I ate our tea at the table tonight to celebrate the return to a quieter life. Not that we don't miss them like crazy. Haven't been to church for a couple of weeks, what with being away and everything. Am hoping that the Second Coming hasn't happened in my absence. Who would there be left to tell me? Anyway, if you were expecting to be taken and you are still here - give us wave will you.

Absence etc

I am sorry I have not been around. Sprogs are back around for a while. Church minutes to type up. HOH and Aged Parent struggling with colds. Birthday celebrations for FOW2 needing to be organised and then partaken of. Day job exceedingly busy. Have made resolution to try not to strive. So sorry. Not there. Be back. Deffo.
Am leaving you with nce photo of my new vac which I have sort of inherited. Long story. It works ok. It's no Dyson but most worrying is the way I am talking to it when it gets stuck. "Don't go under there" "Ooh there's no good is it - you'll never get out" Old age is a terrible thing

The thing is we never were...

Guardian

...were we Mr Cameron?
There's a bit of a rant on the way but it is more in sadness than anger. So this week, we found out that people use offshore tax havens to hide money from their governments, or their wives or the lady that cleans for them. This, I think came as a surprise to precisely no-one.
There were a few choice names that came up and the people of Iceland were especially vexed as they had been told that there was no money anywhere in the whole country and it was fairly disappointing to find out that one of the reasons for that was that their leader had been spiriting it away to Panama in his wife's name. Other than that, we were all unhappy but not especially concerned. What could we do? Then the name "Cameron" came up and it all kicked off.
I take no pleasure in watching a man squirm the way our Prime Minister did this week. It would, of course, been better to be honest right at the beginning and say exactly what went on but which of us hasn't been guilty of being a bit economical with the truth and mumbling a bit in the hope that all this unpleasantness will fade away?
Now I didn't vote for him but I don't think Mr Cameron is anywhere near the most unpleasant person in his party. There is a lot of competition for that spot and I don't even think he is Premier League. I also feel that there is a possibility that some of these more unsavoury elements may be lining up someone as a successor to their Dear Leader and may be stirring things up a bit behind the scenes. (Too House of Cards?  OK.)
What was the most upsetting was to see laid out before your eyes, something that I always thought was true anyway. All that stuff about us all being in this together. We were never all in this together. Not really. In a week when I know of  a young woman who has had her toes removed and her lungs wrecked after a flesh eating disease took its toll, it's not really true to say that you are in it with her is it? Because this week she has had all her benefits and her mobility car taken off her - so college will be a nightmare and  work impossible. Then there is the couple I know. She is a permanent wheelchair user. he is her carer and has several disabilities himself. Still he was managing to hold down a job. It was in a hotel on Dartmoor as a reception manager. He was very highly thought of but he will have to give it up now. Guess why? because you can't get to a hotel on Dartmoor without a car. Well you can catch two buses and walk three quarters of a mile. If you don't need a stick to walk.
I'm not sure that someone who knows that, whatever happens, he doesn't have to worry too much because he can always play out some jiggery pokery with a few hundred thousand can't seriously think that we believe him when he says that we are all in this together can he? I think we all knew that in reality we never were but now we get to see it in black and white.

Its all gone Quite Dark Again.

Thank the Lord for the flippin' Durrells - that's what I say. My Family and Other Animals is one of my favourite books so adaptations make me nervous but this was great. It is a ray of sunshine in a sea of programmes where people are having horrible things happen to them. HOH follows them all - he especially likes a Scandi drama. But even he came into the kitchen after watching Marcella - the new drama with Anna Friel - and remarked "Good grief - that was nasty." Of course he said she was very good, which she obviously is and it's written really well but I'm just not bothering with it. Same with Line of Duty - you know, when the Film "Seven" had a severed head in it, it was so shocking every one I knew talked about it for days. Now we'll be getting them in Blue Peter soon, along with the obligatory tortured/imprisoned female. I really miss Morse sometimes.
Anyway - while I am ranting. Be careful what you wish for drama wise. I stopped watching The Night Manager because halfway through the second episode I realised that I had read it. (Pin sharp as usual, I am) I had read it and not enjoyed it. I thought the ending was downbeat and unsatisfying and SPOILERS - the baddie did not get what was coming to him. So when I heard that they had changed the end, I sat down and had a watch and, indeed they tied a lot of loose ends up and everything was all rosy and.. and.. I didn't like it! Maybe the end was meant to be less than satisfying. Maybe when someone writes a story they have that unhappy ending running silently through it so anything else jars a bit. I don't know. Anyway - for the record I am probably the only person in the universe to say this but I didn't think Hugh Laurie was all that as the villain. I thought he did "deranged genius" really well in House but I just couldn't see him as the kingpin of an international arms group. Quite frankly, he never looks as if he can be bothered to put in the amount of effort that being an international criminal would take. Just my opinion. Nothing to get worked up about. 

Flagging

Because he never lost sight of where he was headed—that exhilarating finish in and with God—he could put up with anything along the way: Cross, shame, whatever. And now he’s there, in the place of honor, right alongside God. When you find yourselves flagging in your faith, go over that story again, item by item, that long litany of hostility he plowed through. That will shoot adrenaline into your souls! Heb 12

Is it Christian to flag - a bit - sometimes? I think it must be. Do you know how I know? Because the Bible tells us not to flag and therefore, people must have been flagging if God had to tell them not to flag. Oh do keep up at the back!
I don't know about you but it has seemed like a long winter here. Not that it has been extra cold or anything because it hasn't. It just seems to have dragged on. We have seen a few changes here at Martha Towers what with the FOWs leaving home. (Although one is back at the moment - pretending to revise) HOH and I get on pretty well all things considered but the sprogs moving on has caused me to be a bit weird in the odd small dose. A friend warned me this would happen a few years ago. She went into a full on depression when hers left. I'm not sure I have gone that far, for which I am grateful, rather than giving myself any credit, but there is certainly a sense of "What now?"
I'm not talking about HOH and I not enjoying what our parents used to call "A Nice Drive Out" - without any eye rolling or tutting -  we intend to do lots of that but when you have spent a good proportion of your energy looking after the FOWs and then they are gone it is a bit - well sad. And I have flagged. Yes I have. I am normally a cheerful sort, my attitude IS gratitude but I have found myself asking about the way forward. Of course, asking God is the last thing I think to do - I usually like to leave praying about something until I have reached desperation levels. It's a little quirk of mine that probably drives God quite bonkers. But I am sort of asking now - whither am I to go? (Sorry - gone a bit Friendly Persuasion there) I don't suppose that this is anything that millions of parents before me haven't experienced but there you are. I am nothing if not unoriginal!

Easter Thinking (4) The Lord is Risen Indeed

I thought a bit about the Resurrection. About the reality of the Resurrection. I struggle a bit with pictures of glowing cloaks and a half naked Jesus stepping on soldiers and waving a flag. I like this Caravaggio about the meal on the road to Emmaus. I like that Jesus looks a bit careworn.The events of the last few days maybe having taken a toll. I like the split second of recognition on the faces of the disciples and the way their hands are almost touching. I also think the two extra people in the painting are interesting - one looks like he will take a bit more convincing thank you very much and the lady looks so worn down by life that she is not sure how much difference this will make to her anyway.

It is interesting, I think, how we react to the miraculous in this life. even the most pivotal and important miracle. It's like our reaction to the tumour that is no longer on the x-ray, the last child pulled from the rubble of an earthquake, the second chance given to the plane crash survivor. 

This was a hard fought for miracle. It didn't come easily. Victory did not fall into the lap of Jesus. Yet still, victory it was. How it affects though depends on what we do with it. We step into it and it reflects in how we live our lives or it doesn't. 

Today was Jesus' day of victory. Now we have to go away and make the chance we have been given mean something for us and those we are called to love.

Easter Thinking (3) - Easter Saturday

Holbein

It's always darkest just before the dawn -  or something. So today was the day before the big day. We know that now, so it's easy to be all full of faith about the promise now. Because we are here all these years later and we know it happened. Harder I think for the followers of Jesus at the time. There were perhaps a few obtuse prophecies - half remembered - about the temple or Jesus returning. But all they had for the moment were nightmares about what they had seen yesterday and a dead body. And, because of the brutal times in which they lived, they were quite aware of what a dead body looked like, thank you very much. This man was most definitely dead - none of this swooning nonsense that some people waffle about these days. He has been tortured and killed. No one could deny that.
And the day lasted just as long as every other day. No clues, no encouragement, just tears and bewilderment. What was that all about then? So they made some arrangements, perhaps to get together and pray. A bit half hearted maybe and not everyone would be there. Peter seemed to have gone back to his old life. So Mary Magdalene and some of the other women made arrangements to go and embalm the body - not check if he had risen by the way - look after his dead body. They would meet early in the morning, as soon as sabbath was over. 
And all the time, while the tiniest grains of faith were still binding them as friends, nudging them to pray and to stand their ground in their everyday lives, the miracle was approaching. As each minute passed it was getting nearer and nearer. No warning, no signs but it was on its way.

 When the Sabbath was over, Mary Magdalene, Mary the mother of James, and Salome bought spices so they could embalm him. Very early on Sunday morning, as the sun rose, they went to the tomb.

Easter Thinking (2) - Good Friday

Chagal. White Crucifixion.. Chicago Art Institute

I'm not really up for writing about the Crucifixion. I don't have the skills. There have been countless poets and hymn writers who have got a lot closer than me. So I'm not going to do it. Write about the Crucifixion I mean. It's too much for me and I am useless. I did want to say a couple of things though. 
Firstly, I'm really glad that "It's Friday but Sunday's coming" Well, obviously it is but it is still Friday. And, if it's all the same to you, I would like to spend at least a portion of this day thinking on the horror that Jesus experienced. I'm not too keen on pretending that the darkness is never worth dwelling on for more than a millisecond. Partly because I think it does Jesus a dis-service but also, if we refuse to face the fact of a darkness full on, how can we identify with those who weep or mourn? Look how this darkness threw Peter. The night before when he had promised undying loyalty and love, Jesus had told him what would happen.

 “Don’t be so sure,” Jesus said. “This very night, before the rooster crows up the dawn, you will deny me three times.”

And that's exactly what Peter did - a full throated, expletive filled denial in the end. And Peter was overcome. Overcome at his own weakness, and his inability to amount to anything after all the promising and the enthusiasm. He was so overcome that he completely forgot the rest of what Jesus had said to him. 

"But after I am raised up, I, your Shepherd, will go ahead of you, leading the way to Galilee.”

Jesus would come back, and would lead him and Peter would be restored. Peter was blinded to all this, so that on this day of days when Peter had said that he would be there for Jesus, he was nowhere to be found.

Later on, all this would be fulfilled of course but for now Peter was absent as his friend was tortured and killed. The fear had overcome him and he felt there was no way back. Good Friday reminds us that sometimes, for some, all seems lost and hope struggles to get a look in and it makes us go missing from God. People are having those times now as well. Hope seems lost, the darkness overwhelms, we are weak and afraid. Sometimes, as Christians we can be guilty of bellowing "Be Of Good Cheer!" at people (Christianese for "Buck Up") and then leaving it at that. Today of all days is a time when we can at least, gently rub the back of someone's hand and acknowledge the fact of the darkness for a time.

Easter Thinking - The Day Before

We call it the Last Supper, when Jesus spent his last times of fellowship and friendship with his disciples. The last meal for a condemned man because Jesus knew exactly what was going to happen the next day. 
Social Media is full of snarking about Easter eggs not saying Easter or something and Christians warbling on about their rights as gay people or straight people or whatever. These are all important things but maybe not this weekend. Because here is the Son of God, humble, emotional, overcoming fear and holding on to the fact that he was returning to his Father. 

The quotes are from The Message - John 13 onwards

 Having loved his dear companions, he continued to love them right to the end.

With all that had occurred and all that was to occur - these men are described as his dear companions. Not men chosen just to preach the Gospel - but his dear, true friends. 

Jesus then, in an act of extraordinary selflessness and humility begins to bend down and wash the disciples' feet - including the feet of Judas who was still there. No-one else had offered, they called him Teacher and Lord and yet no-one jumped to serve him. So he served them. He put his own feelings aside and knelt at their feet. Even at this time, when he must have been glimpsing a shadow of a cross every time he turned his head, he lived the example. 

After he said these things, Jesus became visibly upset, and then he told them why. “One of you is going to betray me.”

The first time Jesus wobbles. He becomes upset, not because of what was to come but because of the betrayal, by one of his friends. Then again he takes control. He hands Judas the bread - Judas is sitting close enough to him to be handed the bread directly; not skulking about in the background, Was he still weighing it up? Or keeping up appearances? But, the moment Jesus passes him the bread, the balance tips. The Bible says that Satan entered. Judas left. The disciples were mainly ignorant but Jesus knew time was short.

Don’t let this throw you. You trust God, don’t you? Trust me. 

As the time runs away, Jesus tries to give them everything he thinks they will need. Don't be thrown by what you are about to see, I will not leave you alone, you mustn't worry about me - no one has any power over me.
And even as they are walking towards the garden where his betrayal will occur, the teaching continues, the words come tumbling out as if he is driven to tell them everything they need to know before he is snatched away  - he tells them they will be able to pray directly to the Father, he tells them that he has conquered the world and he also tells them that they will all leave him in his hour of need. And then he prays for them. A prayer for his followers that will continue to resonate with Christians. 
The whole thing is extraordinary, such selflessness, the Son of God shot through with humanity. 

America Helps (A Bit)

Wikipedia

Re my last blog about helping understand what is happening in America, this is interesting. One, part of a speech from President Obama and the second, a piece from a New Yorker columnist. Part of the conclusion seems to be, if winning is all you want and you are prepared to to do whatever it takes to win - slating your opponents, cosying up to bad people and manipulating vulnerable people - then sometimes you will see the consequences of those actions. Possibly, the Republican Party has gone about opposition in the wrong way - allowing themselves to be influenced by those whose opinion is just about power rather than what is right. And now - no-one can get those cats back in the bag. It's an interesting theory - if a bit scary and maybe a bit more credible than my theory about their brains being corrupted by flesh eating aliens. Anyway read Obama first..

There are thoughtful conservatives — good people in the Republican Party, good people who are Republican voters who care about poverty and they care about climate, and don’t resort to insults, and are troubled by what’s happening inside their own party. I know them. I’ve talked to them. But they’ve got to acknowledge why this happened — because some of them have been writing that, “Well, the reason our party is going crazy is because of Obama.” Which is a pretty novel idea. The notion is Obama drove us crazy.

Now, the truth is, what they really mean is their reaction to me was crazy and now it has gotten out of hand. But that’s different. I didn’t cause the reaction. The reaction is something that they have to take responsibility for and then figure out how do we make an adjustment.

Obama's analysis mirrors that of New Yorker editor David Remnick, who calls Trump "the beneficiary of a long process of Republican intellectual decadence.”

"Paul Ryan denounces Trump but not the Tea Party rhetoric that propelled his own political ascent," he writes. "John McCain holds Trump in contempt, but selected as his running mate Sarah Palin, the Know-Nothing of Wasilla, one of Trump’s most vivid forerunners and supporters. Mitt Romney last week righteously slammed Trump as a 'phony' and a misogynist, and yet in 2012 he embraced Trump’s endorsement and praised his 'extraordinary' understanding of economics."

Help Me America

Hello America

This is a bit of an open letter from a Brit. I have to tell you, I love America. I have only been once but I loved it. I loved America, I loved the people, the place, the telly, the shops. It seems to be full of reasonable people who were, for the most part, entirely normal.

I am immersed in American culture, like most people, I suppose. Reasons I love your county include...

• Nora Ephron
• Early Woody Allen films (not so much after Everyone Says I Love You - to be honest but that's still a fine body of work.)
• The Empire State
• Rick and Kay Warren
• The West Wing (Ahhh...The West Wing...)
• Billy Graham
• Steve Martin
• Tina Fey and Amy Pohler (Individually and together)
• Star Wars (Except - well, you know the three I mean)
• WWF (I know, but there it is)
• Frank Sinatra
• The Beach Boys
• Motown (Extra points for The Temptations)
• Christy Turlington's cheekbones
• Field of Dreams
• Randy from "Say Yes to the Dress"

And that's only the top of the list. America you are a bit weird when it comes to sporting events sometimes, and the Guns for all Toddlers Who Want One thing is unfortunate to say the least but - quite often - we look to you. So can you explain THIS to me. 

Wikipedia

I don't think I am alone in the UK when it comes to bafflement.We don't get it. Truly we don't. I mean, in the end, it's your choice and everything and no-one wants to interfere in things that don't concern us (although there is a worry that it might concern us all if he is allowed anywhere near the pressy nuclear button) but it all seems so out of character? Did you ever see the Invasion of the Body Snatchers where people's brains were taken over by an alien force? That's how this looks to outsiders at the moment. You might say that we are no great shakes ourselves and there is some truth in that. Lots of people here voted for a government with George Osborne in it but Donald Trump? Really? Help me America. Help me understand.

How Much?

This is a rant - pure and simple so if you have suffered enough today - feel free to leave. Also, it is going to be a particularly lady shaped rant so if you are of a sensitive bent - well whatever. Without going into long and tortuous detail about my personal circumstances, I wanted to talk about "Mastectomy Fashion." (Actually an Oxymoron but never mind) Ladies of a certain lopsided persuasion with bit of them missing have to wear special bras so that they can tuck false boobles in. (Still with me? Good!) I get a bit worked up about how much these bras are - rarely less than £30. However, that pales into insignificance when it comes to the price of the clothes. If you have ever reached the end of  a long day and found it relaxing to take off your bra and let your ning-nangs run free, you will realise how nice it would be for any lady to do the same. However, women with mastectomies need a pocket  to put a breast form in unless you want to look a bit lopsided. (Doesn't bother me too much but it is VITAL to some ladies.) So you can buy T Shirts and nighties and things - IF YOU TAKE OUT A PERSONAL LOAN! Behold this vest top.

It's not Armani is it? So why is it £44.00? (£52 pounds if you are not exempt from VAT)






Or this little beauty

This is a nightdress - supposedly to go to bed in. It starts at £57.00. I would wear it to collect an OBE in at that price.






So why so expensive? Could it possibly be because there is so little choice out there?  Is it possibly because traumatised women, for whom appearing normal and a bit attractive is sooo important have little choice but to pay? Some would say that this is just cosmetic but for women who have had their femininity assaulted the way that breast cancer does, cosmetic is as important as any other part of their rehab.You can't just whip to Primark and get a £3.99 vest like everyone else, your options are limited. I would expect to pay more because of the extra material but this smacks of taking advantage of people who have no choice.

I'm not really a big believer in what people call a courageous fight against cancer. In my experience most people are prepared to do whatever it takes to get rid of the stinking disease but the same people are very scared. The treatment is no fun - truly it isn't and that's before you get to the sheet terror of the whole thing. But survivors are making their way back into the world. They will bear the scars for the rest of their lives. To me, it feels that someone, somewhere is making not a profit from this (a profit is fine) but they are making a mahoosive profit and that just doesn't feel right does it?

Tulip Me Up!

It's a good job I am not religious about Mothers' Day because something has gone terribly wrong in here. I have seen all the lovely stuff in the magazines about Mums having breakfast in bed or lolling about all day in their dressing gowns. This has NOT happened here. Firstly - we have a severe shortage of offspring today. Some nonsense about University. So I am building up an intimate relationship with Moonpig. For those who don't know - Moonpig is an Internet card sending company which allows people to order and send cards without mauling about in Clintons or picking up a biro. They also guarantee next day delivery for those who despite numerous subtle texts, wake up in a cold sweat 24 hours before deadline day and no way of getting to Town to slam a card in the post box. Moonpig is blessed by all children who live away from home.

Secondly, the NHS insisted on calling staff into work today so the only other person who could spend the day serving my every need is at the hospital for the morning serving lots of other people's needs. Fair enough - they do pay him (a bit) and he left some flowers by proxy before he went.

So, in the absence of anyone to call me Mother - it is my turn to call someone else Mother so Aged Parent - who has had a chest infection and could probably live without a partaay is forced to come and eat Sunday lunch with us (I have to say - for someone with a post infection appetite - she did very well.) So that was all very nice. 

I appreciate all the lovely thoughts and messages, I really do and some of the things I have read on Facebook are equally edifying. However (and it's only a small however) I am sometimes a little disturbed by this Mother's Day juggernaut. I love my kids more than life itself and I don't say that lightly but I am aware that today is also full of people who have lost their children (Aged Parent being a case in point) and those who have never had children - sometimes longed for - sometimes not. Also there are those for whom the term "Mother" means only sadness and maybe even abuse. There are also those who have lost a much loved Mother. Today is a really painful day for lots of people. I am not saying that I want to rain on all the happy mothers' parades. We don't have to apologise for being who we are and Motherhood is a fantastic thing.  Just, a bit of sensitivity, you know and also remember that the fact that we are mothers doesn't make us any better than anyone else. Women, sometimes get to feel bad about themselves if don't fit cultural norms (whatever one of them is) and Christian women sometimes seem to suffer more than most but we are loved - as we are  - whether we have given birth or not. We are whole and complete in the God who loves us. We have nothing to prove and no Hallmark Card to live up to. 

And ye are complete in him, which is the head of all principality and power (Col 2)

What to do about Brexit?

So have you decided? Do we stay or do we go? I think I know which way I will go but I don't think I have anyone else to that for that. I mean no-one seems to have the faintest idea do they? Not the news, not the newspapers (all of whom have taken the stance that their owners have taken and are the writing the news accordingly, which is what they usually do) So then you look at the personalities involved. Who do I trust? You see, for me, it doesn't help that the initial gang looked like what my Grandad used to call "The End of the Pier Show."

See what I mean? Hello! - normal people out here trying to make an informed decision. Then when we look at the politics. There's Michael Gove who makes every teacher I know make a sort of involuntary noise like a balloon being let down. And Priti Patel who seems unable to make a full sentence on Question Time. And that woman who never blinks. Then there's Ian Duncan Smith. A man whose plan for reducing the benefits bill seems to involve making a lot of sick people work until they die. We haven't even got to George Galloway - singlehandedly adding to the gaiety of the nation with that hat and pronouncements about "No" not always meaning "No". But then it's not as if anyone on the other side is any better. George Osborne says leaving will harm the economy. But he doesn't know. How can he know? One - because we have never done it and Two because The Economy seems to do what it flamin well wants most of the time which accounts for Osborne's permanently surprised expression I suppose.
Then there's  Immigration. Europe is making such a cock up of the whole thing and we are one of the few countries who can pull up the drawbridge and back off from it. But it doesn't feel right to do that does it? While these poor people are fleeing from these homicidal maniacs,  just silently thanking God for the English Channel and then going about our own jolly business seems a bit off to me.
Also there's security. Apparently, if we withdraw, Interpol will take their ball home and not tell us about possible terrorist attacks and will laugh behind their hands when it happens. Seems a bit selfish. So much to think about. 
And finally and it's not finally because there is ages to go yet - Scotland's First Minister Nicola Sturgeon has said that if we leave Scotland will be demanding another Independence Referendum. No. Please Lord No. Not again.

The Introverted Charismatic

I have read his and enjoyed it - indeed I have but I have been thinking about why I liked it. I'm basically your go-to person for introversion. I like people but sometimes I find them a bit intimidating. Most of the time I would rather be pootling around at home and doing a bit of reading. However, I have attended a charismatic church since I was fifteen. This is despite the fact that some of the most terrifying words in the English Language for me are "Turn to the person next to you and..." or "Tonight we are going to do something a bit different." 

When I was a bit younger, it used to bother me that people who were more comfortable with some of the more energetic expressions of worship would sometimes look down on me. I have lost track of how many people have come over to me during times of worship and offer to pray for my release. It used to make me feel so bad about myself I would sometimes toy with offering to help these people release their heads from their shoulders. Those days are long gone and I am who I am much more often now. (For the record the most profound God-like prayer that anyone ever prayed for me came in the middle of a meeting when a lady came up and said "Can I pray for you please? I promise I won't go mad.")

 

So why would I choose to be in a church  where there will always be a possibility that things might become a bit - er jolly? Well first of all, I do have to qualify things a bit. I have been in charismatic meetings where the Bible is a foreign land because we are just going to groove along and see what happens. Ain't going to work for me I'm afraid. I need a certain amount of structure and I am there to learn - from other people and from the Bible. If there doesn't come a point when you put your flag down, it is unlikely that you are my kind of church. That being said though, why would a shy retiring sort like myself be here at all? Firstly, just because I don't always like it does that mean it is wrong? Sometimes I think I need to ask myself - do I need to respond to God here? Is it in a public way? Do I need to support someone else as they respond? And sometimes the answer God wants from me is "Yes". 

Secondly, I think I have to be where the action is. By that I mean where God is speaking to people - today. Where people are prayed for and healed. Where people see miracles. I tend not to get intimidated these days if my worship doesn't fit your worship and graciously I would say that before you tell me that I need to be a bit more like you,  you perhaps need to be working on your own eye speck while I work on this whacking great log that is blocking my vision. Mark Tanner, the author of this book says that people like me are a gift to the church. I think I am probably more the sort of gift like bath cubes or a vase that doesn't fit anywhere that you think you can probably do without. But God says not. He says that us quiet ones have our place and it is with you - worshiping him out of my truth. Now put your maracas down and lets get on as equals.

Trying to get hold of it

So I'm casting my mind back to the mid seventies. I'm in church on Sunday nights wrestling manfully with a tambourine that has taken against me and a floppy hat that keeps going wonky. And we are singing. This was pre Hillsong, pre Matt Redman and this was considered quite funky. 

 "The Lord thy God in the midst of thee is mighty; he will save, he will rejoice over thee with joy; he will rest in his love, he will joy over thee with singing.

 The Lord thy God in the midst of thee is mighty, is mighty, is miiiiiiiighteeee!"

(Thanks very much - I'm here all week)

It's from Zephaniah 3. How does it feel? Thinking that God "Joys Over You With Singing?" Most of the time I don't think the God looks at me and thinks - "There's someone I would like to Joy Over." It's the age old challenge - learning to see ourselves through God tinted glasses. I need to remind myself - I don't deserve this yet there it is. The mightiest mighty God - rejoices and joys - over me and over you. Just because he is who he is. It helps I think, to get a hold of that. Just thought we needed reminding. Dunno why.

Thank you

Hello, just a small shout out to says thanks for all your good wishes etc. I am feeling much better now but it was really horrible for a while - even my knees hurt. I am not one of those people who bangs on the doctor's door demanding antibiotics all the time but I gave it some thought this time tbh. Anyway much better now and hopefully will get back to a bit of writing this week. Am leaving you with photo of my handsome son playing in Battle of The Bands in York. The music isn't exactly my kind of thing, if I am being totally frank but the young people seem to like it. Also this is on it's way. Hurrah! Just loving these books.

Unwell

Chest infection
Can't eat
Can't sleep
Feeling very sorry for myself.
Unable to write
Struggling with will to live.
Hopefully back if survival proves possible (seeming unlikely at the moment)
Dog unconcerned

All the Films

Just a couple of films I thought I might tell you about. I think there is some decent stuff out there at the moment, even without considering the best film franchise ever made (Star Wars - disappointed that you had to ask) The Force Awakens is an excellent addition to the franchise but that is just really my personal happy place and I don't expect everyone to live there.

In a slightly more adult vein we also went to see "The Big Short". This is a film about the world banking crash which kind of started as a housing crash in the USA. There were fiendishly clever people around at the same time who saw the crash coming and bet huge sums of money on it happening - therefore profiting from the misery that was heaped upon innocent people who lost their houses and their jobs. I am not sure that I am selling this that well at the moment but it's an excellent, quirky and even funny film. It's quite complicated (well very complicated) but it doesn't treat you like an idiot and tries to explain what is happening - not always successfully in my case. It also has a heart, there is a great moment when suddenly the speculators know that the crash is going to make them very rich and the Brad Pitt character who has helped them get this far stops them celebrating and reminds them what is happening. By the end you will want to damage a politician, which is a bit sweeping but none of the people behind the mess has ever been jailed for any of it you know.

I took quite a lot of talking into Room as I had started the book and found it too distressing and had to ditch it. It charts the relationship between a mother and her son as they live through almost unthinkable circumstances. The son has been born to a girl who has been kidnapped held as a slave in a shed in a back garden for seven years. She has protected him for five years from the reality of their situation by telling him that his reality is the only reality and there are no other people in the world except for him, her and "Old Nick". He is protected from what Nick comes and does to his mother every night by the wardrobe she keeps him in as he sleeps. But as he begins to grow, she realises that he is in danger and things will have to change. I can't recommend this enough. It doesn't sound too promising I know but it really is - as so many others have said - life affirming. If you can go, you probably should.

There was a lot of fuss about Grandma but I found it a bit thin really. It was ok I suppose but a bit too right-on for me. Lily Tomlin is a cool lesbian nana who is also a poet (why are the people in these films always poets? No one ever works on a fish counter) I think it was supposed to be about love and mourning but I thought it was more about just whinging a lot. 

Bit Busy

This has been a quite busy few days. Work is a bit bonkers. People are taking the last of their holidays and then people are off sick so we are doubly short staffed. It is a bit wild as they say in France. All HOH and I are managing to do at the moment is work, eat, sleep and go to the flicks. (well there's good stuff out and there is nothing on the telly) 
HOH is a bit worked up this week because they are making him go on his least favourite course. This is called "Breakaway" and it is to make sure that if NHS workers get pinned down by patients, they know how to safely...er Break-away. HOH hates this for two reasons. Firstly, although it is a very necessary course for some areas of the NHS, his area is rehab - mainly of elderly people who have had falls. If any of his patients made a lunge for him, they would fall over again and need another hip replaced and the waiting list is very long as we all know. This makes this scenario unlikely and therefore a waste of time. Also, for some strange (yet, to me, highly amusing) reason, the course leader always puts HOH with some one who is a bit TOO enthusiastic. (Probably as a punishment for being so stroppy) Last time, in the role play bit, HOH found himself being squared up to by someone taking it all way too seriously and trying to drag him to the floor. All the family have asked if we can buy tickets to the course just to watch HOH shout "What DO you think you are doing?" to some poor man who is only trying to make it all a bit more realistic.
I have had a better time of it however because I got to go to a meeting at the National Marine Aquarium. Now the meeting was boring (even though it was ESSENTIAL - if my Board of Trustees are reading) but the free tour at the end was brilliant. I learnt loads. I was running from tank to tank like a five year old. Fish are spooky, I think yet somehow likeable. Anyway, this is what I found out.

• There are some new sharks there called lemon sharks which sounds a bit wussy, until you see them swim above your head and see that they are the size of small outhouses. I could have sworn that I heard the dum-dum Jaws music at one point. Apparently in the 20 years that the Aquarium has been opened, the sharks have never bitten the divers on their weekly tank cleaning. The same cannot be said for the unlucky one eyed barracuda who bumped into one of the sharks and annoyed her when she was felling a bit peckish. Fortunately it happened overnight, so no children were traumatised. 
• Also, the only hard part of an octopus is the beak so they can get through very small holes, which another aquarium discovered to their cost when their octopus managed to get into the next tank and munch on all the pretty fish. 
• There is also a 30 year old turtle in there whose epilepsy is controlled by dog medicine. 
• Did you know sea horses mate for life? And when they wake every morning, they do a little love dance to say hello to their partners? Suggest it to your partner. See if goes down as well as it did to mine. Especially if he is on his way to the Breakaway course.

January. Pah!

Psalm 31 v 15
"You are my God. My times are in your hands"

In the words of the old Pilot song. "January - sick and tired..you've been..." Sorry can't remember the rest. ( I think it was released in about 1975 - no wonder I can't remember it. I'm sure it's on YouTube if you want to hear it) Is it just me or has January been particularly bleaugh? Firstly all these celebrities keeling over. David Bowie for one. I'm not front of the queue when it comes to loving Bowie. I never find myself at a loose end on a Friday night and think - let's put a bit of Bowie on. But I do know that he meant an awful lot to a lot of (admittedly sometimes quite strange) people. Then Alan Rickman. This made me sad because no one seemed to have any kind of bad word for him. Everyone said how lovely he was, which somehow makes it sadder. Then there was Glen Frey from the Eagles, who I don't hold a particular candle for but was part of America's musical royalty. And then today, Terry Wogan. Again, a man who everyone has said was exactly like he appeared on the telly. Funny, generous, open. I have very fond memories of his morning radio programme. At a time in my early twenties, when my life was in a bit of low level turmoil, when I had to decide if I wanted to move house with my family and church life was a bit of a struggle, I would switch the radio on and Terry Wogan used to make me smile and put things into perspective. It's a rare skill. 
And, on top of all this desperate people are still getting into tiny boats and placing their precious babies on their knees while being pushed out to sea, only to find, sometimes within  half an hour that the boats are useless and a terrible fate is rising up to meet them.
I have nothing to say of any worth here, except perhaps to the lady who sat next to me in the hairdressers and announced to the room that if we took any more in, this country would sink. I think you will find that we have hardly actually taken anyone as yet so I don't think our buoyancy is in any doubt at the moment. Also to those who considered boycotting peace talks about Syria for quite understandable reasons. I am so glad to see them change their minds. However unpalatable it may be, talking to monsters, may be the only hope at the moment. 
January has been a very sobering month for one reason or another. The verse at the top of the blog is one that I have loved since I was a young slip of a thing - to the point of making a little notice with it on with a printing set. I then covered it with sellotape to protect it and stuck it on my dressing table mirror - simpler times. It helped me then and it helps me now. It's there to help you if you want. No pressure if not.

Leaving Kindness

Sunday morning, getting ready and I usually listen to Garry Richardson on Sportsweek. (I considered saying that Sunday mornings are spent in prayer and prep but I listen to Garry Richardson on Sportsweek - do you want the truth or not? ) This week he was paying tribute to his friend - Gerald Williams the tennis commentator who had died that week. Richardson told the story of how, when he was starting out as a commentator, Williams gave up his own trip to America to give Richardson his first chance. Billie Jean King shared about how when she was a seventeen year old visiting Wimbledon for the first time, Williams sneaked her on to Centre Court for a clandestine first look. Henry Winter, the sports journalist spoke of his legendary generosity of spirit. All of them spoke of the same thing - his kindness. In fact Garry Richardson was so overcome when speaking about his friend, he lost it for a few brief moments and struggled to carry on. This is highly unusual for this battle-hardened sports reporter and I was quite startled for a second.  
Gerald Williams was also a Christian - Billie Jean called it being "very religious" and his Christianity informed everything he did. He wasn't soft - just generous and thoughtful. I just think that that would be such a terrific legacy - to be remembered for your amazing kindness. It's a challenge that left me quite emotional to be honest.

Anyway just to finish with a photo of Aged Parent celebrating her birthday on Sunday. We booked a meal in a nice place but she wanted to go to the local Wetherspoons because she got to go into the charity shops on the Barbican, thus ensuring the perfect day - shopping followed by a fish and chip dinner. Do not bother me with your namby pamby meals - it is my birthday and I am going to boogie.
Happy Birthday AP!

Turning The Tide

Do you ever feel that it is too late? That you are too old and that you have neither the strength or just the general wherewithal to change things. 
A friend (with a medical qualification I'll have you know), once told me that after a certain age it becomes harder to lose any extra weight that you have been carrying. Doctors aren't sure why - possibly a slowing down of metabolism. Possibly, we just go past a tipping point. 

I think we can think that about our lives and our circumstances.That there is just too much happening, that we don't have enough in us to change anything. Things are just too big, they are just happening to you and you don't have enough strength to change anything.

Well good news my faithful companion!! We may not be able to turn things around but......

“The hand of God has turned the tide!
        The hand of God is raised in victory!
        The hand of God has turned the tide!”

I'll tell you, if I have anything that I still NEED to get hold of it's that God is God and he can do stuff - God type stuff. Things that God can do and wants to do. All of which I cannot do. Anyway this is a happy thing and it does your faith good. It's all in Psalm 118 and there's lots there. Go and have a look. Fill your boots.

Sort of Ranty Thinking

I am going to slam a lot of incoherent thoughts at you and you can ignore them if you want but I am going to do it anyway. I am still a bit preoccupied with the floods. I know that as far as the "Powers That Be" are concerned we have all moved on because it has stopped raining and a Head Has Rolled (mainly, as far as I can see, because he was on holiday when the floods came and so therefore unable to complete the compulsory "march around flooded areas in wellies looking very concerned" thing that is required at times like this)

I saw on the news that the Jorvik Centre in York was badly flooded and they have no idea when it will open again. For those who haven't been, the Jorvik Museum celebrates York's rich Viking history with interactive displays and rides though a reconstructed village. All the models (see photo)  and electrics and the like have been destroyed. I have probably mentioned that FOW1 is an archaeologist and although he is a bit sniffy about museums where you get to smell what a Viking toilet was like, he is very keen on other areas of the Jorvik. There are artefacts in there that are well over 1000 years old and if it wasn't for the quick thinking of the York Archaeological Trust they would have been lost forever. This would have been at least as distressing an event as the horrible damage to people's homes.The thing is the Jorvick, despite being situated in a basement in often damp York, has never flooded before - ever - which should tell us something about how things are going.

FOW1 saw Jeremy Corbyn doing the concerned welly walk round York and, although he has a deep fondness for the Corbster, he was struck by how much he just seemed like everyone else. Trying not to check his watch to see how soon he could scoot off back to London. And speaking of London, the Thames is tidal isn't it? But when was the last time London flooded? Well it doesn't does it because they have a state of the art, all singing, all dancing barrier. Hoorah!

I think we all know that the times, in a Global Warming sense, they are changing and it isn't enough anymore to throw a bit of dosh at something in the hope that you can build your sandbag wall a bit higher next time. We can always drag a few squaddies from their Christmas break to help you. 

No, it's surely time of a more visionary, more ecological approach. There are interesting thoughts here about a way to work with the nature that is battering the living daylights of of us - to naturally disperse the water before it hits our homes. It's visionary and thinks differently which has to be a good thing because the same old, same old just isn't working is it? Schemes like this do take investment but the very successful and innovative Thames Barrier cost £1.2 billion to build and frankly we could all do with making sure that it's not just Londoners' tootsies that don't get wet when the rains come down.

Christmas Culture

BBC

As usual, we got out and about a bit and also watched quite a lot of telly over the hols. Here is my totally non-expert view on the stuff we saw.

Dr Who
FOW 2 has been a bit off Dr Who this season. Not because of Peter Capaldi, who is obviously very good, but because she feels that the writer Stephen Moffat has been playing fast and loose with the rules. For example, she was apoplectic, when Dr Who went back to Gallifrey because he can NEVER go back to Gallifrey. I, however, am unburdened by such detailed knowledge and laughed like a drain all through the River Song Christmas episode. Sometimes I think it is an advantage to be a bit simple.

Downton Abbey
Sorry. Never seen it. Felt it was a bit cheeky joining here so I didn't and also saw that Maggie Smith has never seen it which must mean something.

And Then There Were None (Bit of a spoiler - move on if you don't want it)
This should have been amazing. I had read the book - best Agatha Christie I think but I felt the adaptation was so keen to get that Poldark chappy stripped to the waist that it upset the balance of the thing. To have the person that did the deed explain it while someone dangled on the edge of death was distracting. Much better to have a last letter explain it all. Also HOH who hasn't read the book guessed the killer within the first hour. He said it was obvious. Something wrong there then.

Sherlock
Ooooh. This one divided everyone I think. I found it a bit up itself, I'll be honest - a bit too knowing. However, I still think it is twenty times better than everything else on the telly to be honest so lets not complain too much. 

Star Wars
I know my reaction is not normal but this makes me so happy. I so loved the first films and it was so great to see someone had gone back and done it so well. It is very important to uber fans like me. (Can I just say here that despite being slightly obsessed, I have never actually thought that Jedi was a religion and for those that think so, I think you should consider the possibility that George Lucas came up with the whole idea after one too many shandys. Just a thought)

Sisters
Very funny film. Not for your Maiden Aunt if she is easily offended. Well actually if she is quite difficult to offend.

When Harry Met Sally
Family pre Christmas outing to the Arts Centre. Of course very funny and beautiful and romantic and witty and heart stoppingly brilliant. (HOH has suggested that if your Maiden Aunt will be troubled by the sight of Meg Ryan faking full on jiggy in a cafe - she may prefer to give this a miss. Good Point, Well Made)

Not bothering you with High Society, On The Town and the Frank Sinatra story. They were from my personal Sinatra afternoon and aren't anything to trouble anyone else with. You understand.

Christmas As a Learning Project

Or things I never learn over the Christmas period.

1. It goes so fast. Christmas is over in almost the time it takes to say "Is a mini ironing board an acceptable present for Aged Parent?"
2. I will always achieve less than ten percent of everything on my to do list.
3. I will always underestimate (a) The amount of time it takes to be hospitable (b) How shattering being hospitable is.
4. This does not mean that I don't enjoy being hospitable.
5. All talk of Christmas Lunch really just being a large Sunday Roast is nonsense. Despite trying manfully to pare the whole thing back I still end the day feeling something like I imagine the cook felt at the conclusion of one of Henry VIII's most jolly weddings.
6. New Year's Eve could make Pollyanna depressed. Even the dog got upset (Fireworks give him bad nerves)
7. If chocolate is in the house, I will find it and eat it - almost unconsciously. (Almost)

So bloodied but unbowed, we tick another Christmas off, having discovered, controversially, that a mini ironing board may not have gone down that well with the Kardashians but it makes an old lady with a bad back a very happy.